


Lavender and Sandalwood

by nenuphar



Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: AU, Angst, M/M, Romance, Warning applies for epilogue only, ooc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-09
Updated: 2012-08-10
Packaged: 2017-11-11 19:11:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 30,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/481903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nenuphar/pseuds/nenuphar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set in the 19th century, Sho wakes up in the house of a lord without his memory. They have nothing in common, or maybe they do. Very angsty, epilogue is optional. All chapters uploaded but ao3 doesn't seem to update that. Oh, and OOC. You have been warned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

  
_“Lord Matsumoto bankrupt! Matsumoto Manor to be sold! Read it all in today’s paper! Fresh from the presses, ladies and gentlemen! Lord Matsumoto bankrupt! Matsumoto Manor to be…”The paper boy’s singsong voice could be heard before he came into view. Ryo stopped him.  
“Really, he’s selling the manor? Give me one, boy.” He gave the kid a shilling and picked up the paper. There had been rumors about Lord Matsumoto’s financial escapades for a long time. He was curious about the newest developments in the estate on the hill, where the Lord resided.  
  
“Hey! Wait a minute! This isn’t a new paper! This is the paper from last Thursday, you scoundrel!” Ryo yelled at the boy who’d already started to run away from him. Those kids! If he didn’t have other things to do, he’d have run after the boy and taught him a lesson. Instead, he returned home, shaking his head. Kids…_  
  
When Ryo had inherited the business from his father, he had made many adjustments. Nowadays, customers didn’t like to visit the houses of their vendors anymore; they preferred them to have a booth at the market alongside everyone else. So he had changed the family business. Unlike many of their colleagues and competitors, Kame Wood was striving. It was set for the challenges of the 19th century.

  
Still, some things didn’t change. A small, but affluent, group of old customers preferred the old way. They’d come to pay a visit. Ryo would serve tea and show them a collection of the woods and fragrances that he had. After a small chat, they’d agree on the price and modalities and then they’d be off again.  
  
Some of these customers were more welcome then others. Had it been anybody else but the tiny old man who was now standing in Ryo’s doorway, he’d have sent them away. Today was not meant for business, his wife was in labor and the entire house was waiting with abated breath for the birth of the first child of the next generation.  
  
As it was, Ryo would never have sent the old man away. He had been his father’s – and grandfather’s – best customer for longer than he could remember. They’d always spend hours in the smoking room drinking tea and exchanging stories until they finally parted in the middle of the night. Business with him was always more of an afterthought than the main reason of their chats. Sometimes, when Ryo was still a kid, he’d be allowed to come and sit on the customer’s knee. The old man felt more like a distant family member than a customer and so Ryo ushered him in.  
  
The servants were all upstairs and the cook was busy boiling sheets and cutting root vegetables for whatever soup she was convinced was needed to bring along the birth. As there was nobody else around, Ryo himself was responsible for caring for the old customer. He brought out a small tea set and some pieces of candied ginger. There was no cream and scones today – both were needed upstairs, apparently – but if the old man noticed, he never said a word about it.  
  
Just as Ryo was about to present the wrinkled man a new sample of imported sandalwood, there was movement upstairs. A door was opened and steps hurried down the stairs. Ryo stood frozen to the spot with one hand over his chest. The steps rushed past the elegant salon, to the kitchen, and back towards the stairs a moment later. Suddenly, the door was ripped open. A young boy with curly hair, the Kame’s page, announced: “Don’t worry, masta. The missus just wants her anotha bowl’a’soup and I should tell ya not to worry. It will be a long night.” And with that, the door was closed just as abruptly as it had been opened.  
  
There was a sound and Ryo realized that it was his own breath of both relief and furthered anxiety. He turned around. “I am sorry for the interruption. It’s…Keiko…my wife; she’s expected to give birth today.”  
  
The old man smiled. “I’m glad to hear it. You look like a ghost, son. I was worried about you for a moment.” He looked into the flames that were burning in the open fireside as if thinking of something. “It’s hard having to wait and not being able to do anything, especially when you’re in love.”  
  
Ryo nodded and smiled. “It is. I feel guilty for sitting here and chatting with you while she is upstairs struggling on her own. I wish I could bear it for her, to be quite honest.”  
  
The tiny man in front of him shook his head. “No. You can never take away somebody else’s pain. No matter how much you love them. But you can make it so that the pain doesn’t matter. You can make everything else worth it.”  
  
“Do you speak from experience?”  
  
“Yes…and no. Everyone experiences this to a certain extent, but I also saw it. In fact, I believe I saw the greatest love two people can share…there was a lot of pain for sure, but I believe neither of them would have given up a single moment of their time together. For them, it was all worth it.” The old man smiled again, it was a fond smile full of memories.  
  
“To believe that it all began with an accident…”


	2. Chapter 2

*drip* *drip* *drop*  
  
It had started to rain. Not heavily – not yet – but enough to fill a small bucket to the brim and over it. Sho counted the big drops that fell from the bucket’s handle into a small puddle on the ground. One, two, three…  
  
There was no doubt about it. The weather was a perfect fit for this evening A clear sky would have seemed out of place tonight. The starless, grey clouds fit the feelings of foreboding in Sho’s chest. The rain fell in straight lines to the earth like thin curtains of water. There was no wind or breeze to clear the air from the pungent smells of old fish and cold horse meat that lingered over the market square. As far as he could tell, Sho was alone. The vendors had left their booths for the evening and there was little reason for anyone to be here at this hour. It was quiet. The drops of water ate every sound around Sho and the cold made everything seem bleak and weary. Sho rubbed his hands together, slowly and steadily. Not to keep warm, he’d given up on that a while ago.   
Instead, it gave him something to focus on besides the growing number of minutes he’d already waited.  
  
Ending up here had been his own fault. He had known it the minute he’d failed to do his job, and had known it before Kitagawa had even called him into his chambers.   
  
_”You failed me.” was what the old man had said to him. While Sho had buried his head in the carpet and apologized.  
  
“People who fail me, are they really part of my family, Sho?” Kitagawa had asked him but Sho had said nothing. He had been summoned there to await his punishment and not to defend himself.   
  
“Can they really be part of the Clan? Sho? Can they?” Kitagawa had mused from his place by the fire. “You’re not answering. **Speak!** ”  
  
– “They are children. They wouldn’t…”  
  
– “I don’t remember telling you to go there and play nanny. You were told to leave no witnesses.”  
  
– “…” There was no answer to that. At least none that would have changed anything.  
  
– “I had to send Akanishi-kun to clean up your mess. He was…thorough. You should thank him!”  
  
Sho had swallowed dryly. Akanishi was the Clan’s most brutal hit man. He didn’t just kill people, he made them kill themselves. He also doubled as Kitagawa’s personal bodyguard most of the time. If there even was a favorite, it was him. So Sho had raised his head in the direction of the smarmy guy next to the door.   
  
“Thank you, Akanishi-san.”   
  
He had lowered his head again and closed his eyes once more. Sho had expected to die this day and he wasn’t going to give them the satisfaction of seeing him cry. After a moment of silence, Kitagawa spoke again.  
  
“You’re not doing your job, Sho. But I am nothing if not a generous man. Maybe I misjudged your talents. Your friend Aiba is very good at what he does. You better hope to follow in his footsteps very, very quickly. You may go now.”   
  
When Sho had walked to the door, Kitagawa spoke again. “Don’t think of this as your second chance, Sho. Think of it as your last.”_   
  
Sho shivered. The rain that had begun as an annoying dribble was starting to gain momentum. The drops that had been barely noticeable at first were getting bigger and bigger now. They hit his coat like a salvo of little fists. His hair was already wet and his coat started to weigh him down. Was he supposed to wait here until the morning? What would happen if the customer didn’t show up at all? Or he didn’t look appealing anymore, in his ruined clothes?   
  
Aiba had told him that it was important not to look like a prostitute and to never appeal to the customers directly at first. They wanted to think of their whores as wanton creatures. But wanton only for them and not in general. The illusion, Aiba had said, was important. _“Make it look like you can’t tear your eyes away from them, Sho. Like you can’t help yourself, like you can’t keep yourself from touching them. Apologize for it. And if they like that, beg for it. It’s quicker that way.”_   
  
There had been other, even more practical words of advice and Sho had tried to listen and to memorize them. Nino had given him some advice too, at first, about some self-defense in case things got too rough. A hit on the back of the neck could send a man to sleep without leaving suspicious signs. But when Aiba had begun to mention some of his tricks, Nino had left. He’d never learned to fully accept that Aiba slept with other men and tried to pretend it didn’t happen very often.   
  
When he had stepped out of Kitagawa’s chamber, Sho had gone to see them right away. There had been honest relief on both their faces. Aiba had hugged him and Nino had pressed his hand so hard it had almost hurt.

  
Sho smiled thinking about it. The two of them were his best and maybe only friends. They’d always been together, ever since he had been brought to the orphanage even before the Clan had found them. His heart sunk at the thought of maybe never seeing his friends again. He didn’t want to be here but the alternative was even worse. In Kitagawa’s chamber there had been a moment when Sho had wanted it all to end. When he had to thank Akanishi he could have kept silent - that would’ve done it. Yet he hadn’t. He had decided to live and now he had to walk the path he had chosen.  
  
A breeze waved over the market square. It must have come from the sea. When it brushed over him, Sho thought he could smell salt in the air. Salt and something else…   
Where was the customer? Where was the carriage that was supposed to pick him up? Where, too, were the Clan’s men that would keep an eye on him? They had to be there, somewhere. Not looking out for his well-being but to keep him from running away or taking some of the money for himself. Aiba had mentioned them in a worried, concerned voice. A whore that tried to run wasn’t going to live anyway, so the so-called handlers saw no reason not to have their way with them first. To give them any reason to doubt him was to play with fire.   
  
Sho strained his neck and listened to the night. Where were they? The market square was empty; everyone had left to hide from the rain. All the booths were closed now and offered no shelter from the weather. Maybe they had chosen to wait inside one of the bars around the square; the thought gave Sho a curious feeling.   
If he couldn’t see them, it meant that they probably weren’t close now. If he ever wanted to make a run for it, now would be the time. He’d leave no trace for the dogs to smell, not in this downpour.   
  
Sho flexed his feet when a revelation hit him: freedom. That was what the air smelled like: freedom. The breeze had gathered in strength and had blown over the market. The stench that had lingered before was barely noticeable anymore.   
Sho took a deep breath. If he made a run for it now, he could make it. If he could only reach the main street across the square and follow it down until it hit the small hill that overlooked the harbor, he might make it. If he could find a ship, that left the harbor, they would never find him.   
  
Sho’s breath hitched. He was alone; they couldn’t blame it on anybody else. Kitagawa couldn’t punish anyone … or could he? The thought of Kitagawa, and Akanishi, brought Sho back to his senses. They shouldn’t punish anyone but Clan Kitagawa never operated on the premise of what should or ought to be done. For them, the only principle governing their actions was to do whatever they could get away with.   
Sho let out a heavy sigh. The breeze had blown over and the rain fell down like curtains once again. In the cold air his breath came out in little clouds that were soon swallowed by the drops of water. Not even his sighs could run away tonight.   
  
Finally, there were the sounds of a carriage coming near. Sho could hear the rhythmic claps of hooves on stone. Like a drum that was beating louder and louder as they were coming towards the square.   
  
Sho’s heart started to beat faster. Did he remember everything? Was he supposed to stand up and greet the carriage? Or jump right in to avoid anyone seeing them? What had Aiba said? Was he supposed to address the man? Should he start in the carriage or wait till they reached their destination? How was that going to be? What was it that Aiba had warned him not to do?   
Sho bit his lips. His hands were balled to fists. The time to run away had passed.   
He had to do this and he had to do it well. If only the customer didn’t expect him to enjoy it, he thought. He could do anything and make it to another morning, another day.   
  
He stood up straight and pushed his hair away from his forehead. The rain had drenched him terribly but that was not his fault. He could use that as an excuse to get naked. It was a good way to keep the illusion and that was important, Aiba had told him. Sho turned away from the sounds of the rapidly approaching carriage.   
  
He looked at the market square in front of him. There was still no sign of his handlers. Had they really let him go alone? It didn’t matter now. Sho looked up and smiled. The wind that had come and gone hadn’t just brought fresh air.   
It had plowed through the grey clouds above him. It was still raining but for a second, Sho saw the moon amidst the endless dark blue sky.   
  
Then everything turned black.  
  
  
Darkness surrounded him, engulfed him like a river flowing all around him. But then, something broke the silence. There were sounds. And movement.

  
Something, someone shook him. Voices? Warmth krept up his body, there were hands on him now, pulling him back to the surface. And then light.   
  
  
  
A hand was pressed to his forehead. A voice was talking to him, low and inquisitive, behind his ear. He felt light and warm. Somewhere in front of him there must be a fire. He could hear the crackling of wood and felt the waves of warmth hit his feet. There were voices in the back, too. Talking, discussing something.   
  
It all felt strangely disconnected to him as if he was an object in a scene. He didn’t want to interrupt them and didn’t feel as if he needed to. But the voice in his ear kept talking, kept putting sounds into his  head. Did they want him to wake up? He could try that.  
  
The first thing he saw was a stretch of fabric. He blinked and followed the lines until he realized what he saw. It was a four-poster bed with a fabric tester. The voice was louder now, so he turned his head to see where it was coming from. It hurt to move and see at the same time, colors were buzzing in front of his eyes. He had to blink a few times before he could focus on the old man before him. It took another moment till he could make out what he was saying.  
  
“…you alright? …hear me…? Understand….words…say…”  
  
He closed his eyes. Words. Speaking. He could do that. He opened his mouth and tried to answer the man, but nothing came out.   
  
Another set of hands were on him now. They tucked something – a pillow? – behind his head. He opened his eyes again, just in time to see them bring a cup to his lips. Drinking. Yes, he could do that too. Something warm and fiery ran down his lips. It was strong, but he liked it. When the cup was taken away, he licked his lips.  
  
There was the man again, asking him to speak.  
  
“I can hear you”, he finally managed to say.   
  
“Do you know where you are?”   
  
“No.”  
  
“Do you know what happened?”  
  
He tried to think of that. It seemed important somehow. But what had happened? What? When?   
  
He shook his head. He didn’t know. But he had a question too. One that seemed even more important…  
  
He looked up.  
  
“Who am I?”  
  
  
  
  
It was such a difficult question to ask when one’s head felt so heavy and the world kept shifting out of focus. But it was the most important one and surely, everything would fall in place once he had the answer.  
  
Unfortunately, his question was met with silence and empty looks. The old man, who was sitting close to his bed, shook his head. “We don’t know who you are, sir. You had an accident. Can you not remember anything? Anything at all?”   
  
The answer to these repeated questions should have been obvious, he thought. If only the world would stop spinning and blurring, he would find an answer.   
He tried to lift himself up. He shouldn’t be here. This wasn’t where he was supposed to be. They didn’t know who he was, but certainly someone somewhere knew. He only had to get there.   
  
In an instance, the hands were on him again and pushed him back into the blankets. Someone placed a cool cloth over his eyes. It felt good. There was a hand on his shoulder. “You can’t get up now. Try to sleep. Tomorrow is another day. Who knows? You might remember everything by then.” There was a gentle pat to his shoulder and then the hand was pulled away.

 

  
“It’s hard to say how badly he was injured. There are a few outward wounds but none too serious. However, I have seen men with fewer scratches die in similar circumstances. Modern medicine can’t say what causes this. I caution you not to take this lightly.” The old man – a doctor, perhaps – wasn’t speaking to him anymore. There was someone else in the room, but the cloth kept him from looking around.   
  
“Will he be needing a nurse for the night?” There. That was a second voice. It seemed much younger and less friendly than the doctor’s had been.   
  
“No. But have a servant stay with him. He might get it into his head again that he should leave his bed and wander around. We can’t have that.”  
  
There was some murmur that he didn’t hear properly and maybe a third voice. He wasn’t sure and he didn’t care. The softness of the blankets and the cool cloth over his eyes were enough to send him into a deep and dreamless slumber.

  
  
It was midday when he finally woke up again. His head was still throbbing, but the pain in his bones had lessened greatly. To his surprise, he was alone in the room. There should’ve been a servant somewhere, that’s what the voices had agreed on. He didn't mind though. It wasn’t too bad being alone.   
It meant not being questioned, at least. Sadly, it also meant not finding any answers. He looked around. The room he was in was spacious and elegantly decorated but somehow impersonal and empty at the same time. The walls were covered in green tapestry and a fire was crackling in the open fire place. There was a small desk and a huge chest with interesting carvings. The best thing about the room, next to the bed, was the great window close to it. From there, he could see a park full of trees in different colors. There was a little rivulet that went along a group of pine trees. It was very beautiful and calming.   
  
“Oh, you’re awake!”a young girl stepped into the room. She carried a tray of food. “You’re not supposed to eat anything solid, doctor’s orders. But you can have as much broth as you want and if you dunk the bread into it, it should be okay too.” She beamed at him.   
  
“You’re looking much better already. Yesterday, you were so pale, I thought you’d die. And that was so scary! I’ve never seen a ghost but you were so pale that you surely would’ve turned into one! I guess it’s a good thing because that kept me awake for the night, but I can tell you, there’s gotta be another way!”

She liked to talk and she didn’t seem to expect an answer beyond a nod and a hum in approval. Her name was Becky, she told him. She was his personal maid for as long as he needed one, and he should call her whenever he wanted something.   
  
When he had finished his meal, Becky smiled at him as if he had done something amazing. “That’s so great, Sho-san. You’ll be yourself again, in no time, if you keep eating like this. My grandma always said that if you…”  
  
“What did you call me?”  
  
“Sho-san. That’s you, right?”  
  
“No. I mean…why are you calling me that? Do you know me?” he furrowed his brows. Sho. Was that his name? Sho what?  
  
“Oh, is it your head? You mustn’t think too hard if it hurts.” She seemed worried now. “I’m sorry, it’s just the name on the paper you had in your pocket. Here!” She reached into her apron and handed him a crumbled note.   
  
  
  
Sho!  
  
What you do is not who you are. Don’t forget it.   
  
Aiba  
  
  
He turned the paper in his hands. So, his name was Sho. Or was he Aiba? No, that didn’t feel right. He smiled when he looked at the handwriting. Whoever this person was, he had taken the time to form each letter carefully, as if he wasn’t used to writing. Sho let his finger slide over the paper. This must have meant something to him. He looked up.  
  
“Thank you, Becky.”

 

The next few days, Sho stayed in bed. Becky was his only distraction, at first.   
She’d come in every day with food and news and would stay around for a while before someone came to call her to her other duties. Sho suspected that she didn’t only stay to keep him company but because taking care of him was easier than peeling potatoes or scrubbing floors. He didn’t mind at all, it was fun. Then, other people started coming. They were friends of Becky, maids and butlers in the mansion. From them, he learned where he was: Matsumoto Mansion, the grand residence of Lord Matsumoto. What Sho had thought was a park was actually just the small Eastern garden. The hunting grounds in the West were far larger and even more impressive, they told him. Not that they were used much these days. The current Lord didn’t approve of hunting and he never went horseback riding. Whenever Sho tried to ask his visitors about their Lord, they went quiet. He wasn’t a bad master, just very distant, was the only thing he’d ever gotten out of them. And he would soon see why.  
  
At his fifth day, Sho decided to leave the bed. Becky had been to see him just a while ago, so she wouldn’t be back soon to keep him from going through with it. He couldn’t just lie around any longer. When Sho stepped out of his room, he realized how big this mansion really was. There were doors beyond doors across both sides of the hallway. It was darker than his room since all doors were closed. The only light that he could see was coming from a stairway down the hall.  
  
This was where Sho went, or wobbled, on unsure feet over the soft carpet. It was amazing. Like everything he had seen so far, the stairway looked exquisite in its dark polished wood that opened up to a round marble floor. There were paintings and flower arrangements everywhere, but they didn’t seem as calming as the trees in front of Sho’s window. Instead, the sheer amount of them was overwhelming. They looked stiff and imposing. If he hadn't known better, Sho would have thought they judged him - harshly. It took him a while to notice the people downstairs.  
  
When he did, he instantly regretted leaving his room. There were two men and they were looking at him. One was small with blond hair, who seemed a bit angry but at the same time non-threatening. The other, however, was the one who had made Sho’s heart sink. He was tall, taller than him, and very good-looking. His eyes, however, seemed cold, imposing and unfriendly. There was no doubt about it. Sho had just walked into the Lord Matsumoto himself.   
  
After a short dialogue between these two, the blond man motioned Sho to come forward. It took him longer than it should have to climb down the stairs and he felt their looks during every step of it. When he reached the last step, he tried to bow.  
  
“Have you recovered?” There was no greeting and Lord Matsumoto didn’t seem to even want to pretend that he was welcome.  
  
“I am not sure.”  
  
“That means no. Have you regained your memory yet?”  
  
“No. But…”  
  
“But what?”   
  
Enough! Sho raised his head. He didn’t know who he was or how deep he had to bow in front of the arrogant man but Sho was sure that nobody should treat a sick man like a common criminal.  
  
“ **But** I know my name, or part of it at least. It’s Sho. It was on a paper that Becky,” he corrected himself, “that my maid found on my clothes.” He always carried it with him. It was bound on a string around his neck. Now, Sho took it off to show it to the other man.  
  
Lord Matsumoto snorted. “What you do is not what you are? How silly. Of course it isn’t. You are what you were born to be.” He handed it back to Sho and turned around.  
  
“Wait, are you leaving?” Sho tried to stop him. “I don’t even know who you, I mean, how I am supposed to address you.” But Lord Matsumoto just waved with the back of his hand.   
On his behalf, the blond man next to him spoke up.  
  
“You are to call his lordship ‘Lord Matsumoto’ the first time you address him during a day. Further addresses may be either ‘your lordship’ or ‘Matsumoto-san’. As you are lacking the knowledge of your full name, he will refer to you in turn as ‘Sho-san’. This, of course, only when necessary.”  
  
“It seems very complicated,” was all Sho could say. This apparently peaked Lord Matsumoto’s interest. He turned around once more.   
  
  
“Then let’s hope you won’t need to say it too often.”


	3. Chapter 3

  
_“Then let’s hope you won’t need to say it too often.”_  
  
That hope, however, would be in vain. When he had returned to his room, Sho had promised himself not to cross ways with the Lord or his valet again. Yet when he woke up the next morning, Becky was there to tell him some ' exciting news'. Since his condition had apparently improved so greatly, he would be expected to take his meals in the state room on the left wing of the manor from now on.  
  
Sho didn’t have the heart to tell her that this didn’t excite him very much. So, he let her put out some clothes that would be formal enough but not too tight to disturb his bandages. He had expected to argue with her about dressing himself but she didn’t even think of helping him into his attire. With a last beam and a pat on his back, she’d left him to his own devices. He regretted it moments later when he realized that his hands didn’t seem to know how to tie a cravat. After a few more moments of frustration, Sho threw it on the bed. It shouldn’t matter anyway. He was just having breakfast.  
  
Like everything he’d seen from the manor, the state room was filled with elegance and splendor. No expense had been spared. And like before, Sho felt intimidated rather than impressed. He had expected to see a huge dining table – and had hoped this would spare him any close contact with his lordship – but instead the breakfast was served on a tiny table in a nook by the windows. There were no chairs, only two récamiers, one of which was occupied already. His lordship didn’t look pleased.  
  
“You’re late. And you’re missing a cravat.”   
  
That was the only thing he said to Sho that morning and for the rest of the day. He kept quiet during lunch and dinner. The next morning was met with silence again. Sho soon learned that he would only be spoken to when he did something wrong or annoyed the Lord in any way. He’d be told to tie his cravat or to have his shoes polished. He would be told a million other things that seemed insubstantial to himself but apparently mattered greatly to the lord of the manor.  
  
Days passed. It was hard to tell how long he’d been there already since all the days seemed so similar in their corset of rituals and routine.   
  
Sho did his best never to repeat a mistake but he still couldn't seem to do anything right. However early he came into the state room, Lord Matsumoto would already be there. Sometimes, he’d be reading or looking out of the window as if lost in thoughts. Other times, his valet, whose name Sho had learned was Ohno, would be with him and they’d share an intimate conversation. These two would stop talking as soon as Sho would set foot into the state room. Ohno would bow silently and wish him a good morning before disappearing again. Sho made it a point to break the quiet every now and then with a remark about the food or the weather, but those few words couldn’t break the wall of silence that stood between him and the other men.

  
One morning, after he had mentioned how the outside world had seemingly disappeared within the misty clouds of fog and hadn't gotten an answer in return yet again, he tried something else.   
  
“Shouldn’t I go?” he asked. Sho had no relations to the house of Matsumoto. This much had been made clear to him. His lordship did not owe him anything. It had been another carriage that had hit him and left him on the street. Lord Matsumoto had only been nice enough to take him in. Sho had been treated as a guest, out of an act of kindness towards a stranger, but surely by now he had long overstayed his welcome.   
  
His lordship looked up. He seemed confused. “Where to?”  
  
“Somewhere else. I don’t know.” Sho answered. He had expected to receive a courteous smile and to be sent on his way, but surprisingly his lordship didn’t want to hear any of it.  
  
“You’re a guest. You’re not healthy. You’re staying.”   
  
And that was that. Lord Matsumoto wasn’t interested in hearing about it anymore so Sho didn’t offer to leave again. He was relieved, in a way, to be able to stay where he was and to hope for improvement instead of walking through the streets in search of anything he could remember.   
But the routine, and the boredom that went along with it, still grated on his nerves.   
  
So, when Ohno appeared in front of his room the next day to ‘show him something’, he followed gladly.  
  
Why he hadn’t seen it before, or thought to ask about it, Sho would never know. When Ohno opened the doors to the manor’s library, Sho felt as if he found something he’d been looking for a long time. There were rows and rows and rows of books and journals. Between the shelves, some desks were laden with books and papers. Whereas in other parts of the library, priced editions were displayed on high shelves. With the afternoon sun streaming through the windows and hitting their gold lettering and shiny leather bindings, they looked like priceless treasures.  
  
Sho inhaled the scent of books and dust. Disappointment mingled with excitement when he didn’t recognize the smell. For a split second, he had hoped that he remembered a library like this, but that didn’t feel true. He remembered books and he loved books, this much he could tell. But he had never seen so many or had been allowed to take whatever he wanted. His fingers itched to touch them.  
Ohno’s polite cough startled him from his thoughts.   
  
“You are allowed to take whatever you wish from the library to your room. You may also read in here as long as it suits you. As long as you don’t disturb him.”  
  
Him.   
  
Sho looked around. In all his wonder, he hadn’t realized that the library wasn’t deserted. And then he saw _him_. At the end of the corridor, he saw Lord Matsumoto carrying a book and limping towards another shelf. Sho had seen his cane before. It was always close to Matsumoto-san’s récamier during their meals and he might have seen it the day he first met his lordship. But back then, he had been overwhelmed with everything and had not paid attention.  
  
“Why does he limp?” he whispered to Ohno. There was no reply. When Sho turned around, Ohno was gone.   
  
It didn’t matter. For the next hours, Sho was happy just browsing the books and making mental notes of what to read and what to study. He didn’t even take out a single volume just walked along the shelves in happy anticipation. If his lordship was still there, Sho didn’t care enough to notice.  
  
The next days were vastly different from before. Instead of trying to talk or at least exchange a few words with his lordship, they ate in silence and retreated to the library right after finishing their meals. Although they’d both go there, they never went together. Sho would excuse himself and walk eagerly across the hallways but he never met Lord Matsumoto on his way. And yet, somehow his lordship always managed to arrive before him and disappeared between the shelves as soon as the other set foot into the library.  
  
Still, the atmosphere between them changed gradually. When at first Sho hadn’t seen his lordship at all and only ever heard the other man’s shuffling steps, he now saw him appear between the shelves now and then to pick up a book or return another. He himself spent most of his time reading at a small desk he had found cramped between two shelves in his favorite section. There, between huge encyclopedias and reference books, he discovered a new world. Literally.   
  
He read about countries he’d never known existed. He read about sea travel and about ships that sailed around the world. He had known that the world was supposed to be round, but this was the first time he’d laid eyes on a map that showed the curves of this _planet_. His fingertips would follow the lines and shapes of distant isles, far-away continents, and unknown countries whose names sounded like they were made from legends and fairy-tales. He wondered about the white spaces on the maps, those places where no one had been yet. What unknown things and creatures would they harbor? What would they look like?  
  
In these hours, Sho forgot everything about his surroundings. He immersed himself into his books so much that he could almost taste the salt of the oceans and could almost smell the spices of the Orient. He didn’t know that, during these hours, he was the very picture of contentment. Nor did he know that someone was watching this picture with great interest.   
  
He wasn’t only learning about different countries and travels. Once his interest had been piqued, he had started to read everything about anything. Like somebody who had been starving for a long time and was now offered a buffet of everything he could ask for. Sho found himself grazing through the entire library. He was reading about antique society and the birth of democracy, as well as the philosophy of Shintoism and many other things.   
  
One day, while he was reading about some mathematic principles that explained why the earth had to be round, he heard a cough. Before him, there stood Matsumoto-san.   
  
“I was looking for a book. It was still there last night, but it’s gone now. I am guessing you have it?”  
  
Sho was curious. “I might. Which is it?” Instead of answering him, Matsumoto came forward. With one hand on his cane, he looked over Sho’s desk. It didn’t take long to find the book on medicinal herbs in the Caribbean which had been covered by a dusty tome. However, his lordship didn’t leave once he had it. Instead, he shifted his weight from one leg to the other and looked over Sho’s books and the notes he had taken.  
  
“You read a lot.”   
  
Sho nodded.  
  
“These are all … scientific?” Matsumoto mused. “Are you not reading for pleasure? Don’t these bore you?” He pointed at the encyclopedia nautica, which had so many bookmarks in it, one could’ve thought Sho was trying to memorize it all.  
  
“No. They…I like them. And I do read for pleasure…I just…” Sho paused. He knew what he wanted to say, but he didn’t want to be laughed at. It had been some time since he had been criticized by Matsumoto, but he was sure this could change any time. Sho took a deep breath. He took heart and looked at the books in question.   
  
“These are written well. It doesn’t take much to read them. And they are patient. Books never tire of you when you need to read things again and again until you understand them. And once you do understand, it’s marvelous. Knowledge is the only thing that nobody can take away from you. I think…” and he looked up “…knowledge is what stays. Even if I don’t remember who I am, I still know how to count and multiply. I know that Roma was build on seven hills and that Cleopatra was part Greek. And ... other things.”   
  
Other things, he sometimes dreamed about, but never clearly remembered when he woke up. Why did he know to open doors without keys? He hadn’t tried it, but Sho was sure that he could open any door in this house. It was a sort of knowledge he did not like but couldn't shake.   
So learning something new and untainted was made all the more precious.  
  
Matsumoto was silent. He looked at the book in his hand. And then he looked over Sho's desk again. There were books on sea travel and mythology. Translations of French philosophers and a book on caligraphy.   
  
“I never thought of it that way.” His fingers came to rest on the last book. “But this isn’t the right book for you.” His gaze softened. “Not because you shouldn’t learn about calligraphy, but this is very advanced. It won’t help you much. Besides…” and here he blushed “you would have to do more than just read about it. You need to watch and copy what…” he looked at Sho for a second and then he turned away. “What I mean is: if you want to learn it, I can teach you.”  
  
Sho had only taken this book to check up on something he had read about calligraphy. He hadn’t intended to learn it. But something about this offer made him smile. It was unusual for him to be offered anything by his lordship, let alone have his attention for long enough to learn anything from him. It would be nice to talk to someone else besides Becky. And so they agreed to begin their lessons.   
  
Sho learned that Matsumoto, or Jun-san as he was allowed to call him now, also had his own corner in the library. Unlike Sho’s, however, he had a spacious and elegant table that was covered with papers and letters that were all about managing the estate and keeping up with the responsibilities of being a lord and peer. At the beginning of their lessons, Jun had freed a corner of this table for their exercises. But after a day or two, this corner had not been enough. So they had retreated into his study, which looked almost like a library in its own to Sho’s eyes only much smaller. It was the first room in this manor that didn’t intimidate him. Instead, he was astonished at how intimate and quiet it seemed.  
  
Here, Jun had his private books as well as a collection of papers and inks. Calligraphy wasn’t just something he could teach Sho. It was something he obviously loved and apparently wanted to share.  
  
Sho wasn’t the best student. It became apparent after the first lesson when he had made a mess of his paper and the desk underneath it. He knew and Jun knew it, too. But he was earnest in his endeavors and tried again and again until he could copy with pressed fingers what the lordship's hand drew so fluenty. This earned him the respect that he had previously lacked in Jun’s eyes. Their lessons weren’t just about drawing characters and letters. Jun also insisted that Sho learned to appreciate the music of words. He made him read poetry instead of science books and collections of letters that famous people had written. This was the part that Sho loved the most.  
  
When he and Jun sat in his private study and read poems – each on their own in joined silence – he’d sometimes stop to read and looked at Jun instead. He was more handsome when he thought he wasn’t watched. His brows were relaxed and not drawn up in criticism. When he read a poem that he loved, his body lost a lot of its rigor. Jun would just sit there and follow the lines with his finger, silently mouthing a word or two. It was fascinating to watch someone, who seemed so cold and stern to the world, turn so mellow and open for a book. Sometimes Sho only realized what he was doing when he was forced to take a breath after holding it in for too long.  
  
He also loved the poems, and some of them seemed to fit into his life as if they were written for it. One morning, after a particularly bad nightmare, he persuaded Becky to come with him to the library. He had seen a poem he wanted to show her and although she was reluctant at first, “What will the cook say if I just disappear?”, she finally relented.   
  
Jun wasn’t in the study, as it was still too early even for breakfast, so Sho just pulled her along. He had retold her some stories and sonnets before, but this one had reminded him so much of her that he wanted to get it just right.   
  
“Listen:  
  
 _Rebecca_  
  
 _HER words were few, without pretense_  
 _To tricks of courtly eloquence,_  
 _But full of pure and simple thought,_  
 _And with a guileless feeling fraught,_  
 _And said in accents which conferred_  
 _Poetic charm on household word._  
  
 _She needed not to speak, to be_  
 _The best loved of the company—“*_  
  
  
Sho didn’t get to finish his poem. When he was right in the middle of the second verse, he heard Becky’s gasp.  
  
“What do you think you are you doing?” It was Jun, who stood in the doorframe. He was not happy. With a look of panic on her face, Becky bowed quickly and ran out of the study.   
  
“I…” Sho gulped. He hadn’t thought it would be bad to bring Becky here, but the look on Jun’s face made his heart sink. “I didn’t…”  
  
“You didn’t what? You didn’t think? I guessed so.” Jun hissed. “Let’s make one thing very clear. You are my guest and I will treat you with the cordiality that the situation requires but this library and **this study** are mine. They are not for anyone to enter without my explicit consent. **I** decide who’s allowed in here and who isn’t. This is my house and **my rules**.”  
  
“But I don’t know your rules! How could I? Am I just supposed to know them even if nobody explains it to me?” Sho felt his cheeks heating up. He had invited Becky in because this room had felt so comfortable and intimate before but now it didn’t. Nobody had told him what he could or could not do! It wasn’t his fault and he wouldn’t be blamed for something he hadn’t known.  
  
“Well I explained it now!” Jun’s voice got louder and his brows were furrowed in anger. He gripped his cane so hard his knuckles turned white.  
  
“I’m sorry. I’ll go! I won’t come back here to break any more of your rules.” Sho yelled back. It was stupid and childish and he didn’t want to go. But something in him didn’t want to admit his fault, not to anyone and especially not to Jun. He walked towards the door, hands shaking with anger but Jun stopped him.  
  
“Don’t…don’t be stupid.” Jun’s eyes were closed and his head was turned away. “What else would you do?” It was supposed to sound uncaring, Sho realized, but it didn’t. Being together in the library and reading poetry had done much to change their relationship. Unless Jun was a very good actor, he couldn’t pretend otherwise. Sho halted in his steps. He hated this moment. Had he known this morning what would happen today, he’d never have told Becky about the poem. He could’ve brought the book with him. He was sure that this would have changed everything. But he hadn’t.   
  
“I’m sorry.” He whispered. Jun didn’t say a word, but after a moment Sho saw him nod. “Don’t do it again.” This time, Sho was sure. Jun hadn’t commanded him. He had asked him – as an equal.   
  
If the move to the study had changed their relationship from strangers to something akin to friends, the morning with Becky had changed it to something else again. If they had been awkward around each other before, their uncertainty was increased tenfold now. Sho never knew if he should bring it up again or not. Sometimes, he thought that Jun expected him to say something. Whenever he looked up, he could see Jun’s head move to the side as if he avoided his eyes on purpose. As if he had looked at him but didn’t want Sho to notice.  
  
Other than that, however, almost everything seemed great to Sho. If he didn’t have those nightmares that would wake him up in the middle of the night, he would’ve thought his life was perfect. He was still friendly with Becky and the other servants but most of his time was spent with Jun. Between their meals, calligraphy lessons and poetry readings, there was hardly a moment in any chosen day that they didn’t see each other.  
  
So when Jun didn’t appear at the state room one morning and Ohno only told him that he had visitors that needed his attention, Sho didn’t really know what to do with himself. He idled away on his desk between the shelves but it wasn’t as it used to be. Every time he heard someone coming towards the library he thought it was Jun, even though it never sounded like the shuffled steps he had grown to associate with the lord of this manor.   
  
The morning went by and Sho was alone at lunch as he had been for breakfast. There was no sign of Jun and the prospect of eating alone quenched his appetite completely. He didn’t even want to return to the study, since everything there seemed to remind him of the lord's absence.   
  
While he lingered in the hall, he heard a noise.   
  
The men who had visited Jun were standing in the hallway. They were smoking and discussing something about horses that Sho wasn’t interested in but he didn't turn away. At first he didn’t see Jun between them. But when he appeared out of another room, Sho’s heart skipped a beat. He looked tired and more reserved than before, his eyes looked down as he listened to another man who kept talking into his ear.  
  
“Jun!” it slipped over his lips before he could collect himself. Somehow, his voice cut through the others and everyone went silent. The men looked up at him quizzically, only Jun had turned away as if in pain.  
  
“Who is this?” – “A friend of yours?” – “Should we know him?” – “Maybe you should introdu…”  
  
“He’s nobody! Nobody of importance anyway.”

That hurt. Not only the words, but the way Jun said it, with a shrug and without looking at him as if he really couldn’t be bothered to remember his name.  
  
Sho turned away. His excitement was gone. He flew the hallway. Jun did not follow him.   
  
Hours passed.   
  
Time went by just as slowly as before. But if in the morning the minutes had seemed to unravel as slowly as honey from a spoon, they now felt more like mud that clung to one’s feet and slowed down any movement.  
  
Ohno appeared again to remind him that tea was served in the state room, but Sho didn’t move. He had returned to his desk but he still could not focus on the books in front of him. As much as he tried to ignore what had happened, he couldn’t. Had someone asked him whether he was angry or hurt, he wouldn’t even have known what to answer. But when he heard the footsteps he had been waiting for the entire morning, he knew very well what he felt: embarrassment. Sho didn’t want to talk to Jun. He didn’t want to hear an explanation or be asked to give one himself. He hadn’t been invited to join Jun and surely, just appearing out of nowhere would’ve angered many people. He wasn't anybody special and yet, he wasn’t nobody either. What was more, he wasn’t supposed to be nobody to Jun.  
  
“Sho!”  
  
Sho got up. He didn’t know where he wanted to go. But he didn’t want to sit there as if he had been waiting for Jun even if a voice in him reminded him that he, in fact, had been doing just that.  
  
Sho turned away from the voice and moved along the shelves. It was unfair.   
Jun couldn’t race him through the library and Sho knew it. When he ran up a narrow flight of stairs to a higher unit of shelves, he expected Jun to give up and leave. But Jun didn’t. There were only a few steps, but Sho could hear from the heavy breathing that following him through the library had taken a toll on Jun. He was panting.   
  
Sho stopped. He wanted nothing more than to run away now, from his embarrassment, from Jun, and also from the way his heart clenched in his chest to the rhythm of Jun’s breaths.   
  
“Sho!” There it was, again. Only much, much closer.  
  
“Sho…” He didn’t only hear his breathing, now he could feel it on his neck. Sho closed his eyes. Did he tremble?   
  
“I am not nobody.” If only he could have commanded his voice to be firm, he wouldn’t have to feel so weak now, Sho thought.   
  
“No. They are.” If Sho’s voice was soft, Jun’s voice was even softer.   
“I just didn’t want them to know about you.” There was a pause and then Jun laid a hand on Sho’s shoulder. He didn’t press down; just held it there, softly, as if he wasn't sure if he should touch Sho at all.  
  
“I didn’t want them to know you. I don’t want anyone to know you…I want you to…”  
  
Sho turned around.  
  
  
As far as kisses go, their first wasn’t spectacular in any sense of the word. There was no music and no fireworks, just a shared moment of breathlessness before they let go. Their second and third – and fourth and fifth – were more akin to those moments that poets describe so often. Every time their lips met, it felt as though they had lost something and only another kiss could gain it back.  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *poem by T.S. Arthur


	4. Chapter 4

_There was a moment of silence, interrupted only by the crackling of the open fire, “So, you’re telling me…” Ryo stopped himself and coughed politely. “You’re telling me that this story of yours is about two men?” He didn’t know how to react to this, but it was not what he had expected.  
  
“Yes. Does that bother you?” If the old man was offended, he didn’t show it at all. If anything, Ryo thought he saw some mild amusement in the other man’s eyes. He looked at his hands and thought about it. Did it bother him?   
  
“I don’t know. It does not bother me as much as it surprised me. You mentioned love. I didn’t think you meant something like this.” Ryo waved with his hands. Whatever this actually was supposed to be.  
  
“I am talking about love. Love between men.” The old man took a sip of tea before he leaned back into his chair and looked at Ryo. “Let me ask you this. If this…let’s say your child is a boy.” Ryo couldn’t help but smile at the thought. “What would you do if he grew up to love another man?”  
  
His smile faded. It was a very personal question. Not too long ago, Ryo would’ve answered that no son of his would ever consider something like this. But now, things were different. His son wasn’t just a distant possibility, but a real human being. Just a week ago, Ryo had felt his movements in Keiko’s belly. He looked at the ceiling. There was still little movement upstairs and he wondered how long it would take till he could see his son – or daughter. He didn’t want to wait any longer. How a person could love someone they had never met, he didn’t know. But Ryo loved his child and he would never allow anyone to harm it. No matter what.  
  
He looked back at the old man who had waited patiently for his reply.  
  
“It wouldn’t matter. He’d still be my son.”   
  
“What a good answer.” His customer nodded. “It truly does not matter. Love…”he paused as if in thought, “…love is good. Forget about everything else.”  
  
Ryo waited for him to say something else, but the old man was quiet. “So, was this the reason for the pain you mentioned? That people wouldn’t understand?”  
  
“Oh. No. I mean, yes. It was part of it. But the real pain was something else…” _  
  
  
  
  
  
  
When Jun finally pulled away, Sho felt lightheaded. He wanted to know what it meant but at the same time he dreaded any sound that would disrupt the silence they now shared. Jun leaned his head against Sho’s and closed his eyes. They stood like this for a while. Just when Jun had leaned back a little to look into Sho’s eyes as if he wanted to see something in there, the door of the library opened. The voices of Jun’s guests and someone’s piano play swept into the library like a wave of unwanted reality. Jun stiffened and smiled sarcastically. A voice cut over the noise, Ohno. “Sir? You’re wanted in the drawing room.” Jun's smile faltered, and with an apologetic look, he turned his back to Sho and followed Ohno out of the library.  
  
The guests stayed till late into the night. So Sho did not see Jun again until the next morning. He barely slept. When the sun finally came out, he went to the state room with hurried steps. For the first time since he had come there, Sho found himself alone. The breakfast table was already set, so someone had to be awake, but the house was silent. Sho didn’t mind. Even though this room still seemed cold and imposing, he didn’t feel threatened by it anymore. As the sun was rising over the hills and treetops, Sho smiled.  
  
A little while later, Jun appeared. He didn’t use the big door that Sho had come through. He stepped out from behind a hidden door that looked like the tapestry of the rest of the room. He didn’t say anything when he looked at Sho. It was clear why when Ohno entered the room right after him. Remembering what had happened before, Sho suppressed the need to call out Jun’s name. He merely nodded as a greeting and watched in silence as Ohno helped Jun to the récamier.   
  
This time, the quiet valet stayed for most of their breakfast and only left for one moment before he returned again. When they had finished their meal, Sho expected Jun to walk to the library with him. But instead, he was told to go ahead and start without him.   
  
He decided not to go into the study and to read at his desk for a while. He hadn’t even turned the pages yet when Jun called for him. “What are you doing?” he asked. “You are supposed to wait for our lesson.”   
  
When Sho followed Jun into the study, he wondered why everything seemed so different to him even though barely anything had changed. Had it been a dream? As soon as he closed the door behind them, Jun turned around to face him.   
  
“Are we going to start a new bo…” Before Sho could finish his sentence, Jun had pushed him against the door and kissed him.   
  
“This…” he said and leaned his forehead against Sho’s, “can we keep it…like this?”  
  
-“Like a secret, you mean?”  
  
“No. Like our secret.”  
  
  
  
And that was how it went. He didn’t really understand the distinction between _a_ secret and _their_ secret but Sho believed Jun when he said that there was a difference. In front of everybody else, they were just courteous towards each other. If anyone noticed a change, they would think that Jun had grown accustomed to his guest and that Sho was happy to be given so many liberties. So, Sho made sure to refer to Jun with his title and respectful words. and Jun kept his replies to him as courtly yet short as possible. Whenever they were alone, Sho was pushed against walls or pulled towards Jun as if they needed to hurry or their time would run out.   
  
Their kisses always altered between long, longing kisses that seemed to drain the air out of Sho’s lungs and small, short brushes of lips against lips that made it seem as though they both tried to pull away and couldn’t.   
  
Sho had thought that they would stop their lessons in calligraphy and poetry now, since the study seemed to be the only room where Jun was comfortable enough to acknowledge what he felt if he felt anything. Where he was showing it physically, at least. But Jun had no intention to stop. He liked sharing these moments with Sho. Even though their progress was much slower than before, he saw no reason to put an end to their lessons.   
  
Sometimes, when Sho read a poem, Jun would sit and watch him read it. He didn’t listen during those times, which was made obvious by the way he didn’t react to errors in Sho’s pronunciation, like he had done before. There were times when Sho would end a reading and see Jun looking at him, lost in thought. But, Jun never told him what was going through his head or why his eyes seemed to question something that Sho did not know the answer to.   
  
When Sho tried to focus on something besides Jun, he found that most of his thoughts revolved around his nightmares and what they could mean. At the beginning, he had hoped that the images he saw were just creations of his mind, made up from fiction he had read not reality he had seen. But as time went by, he realized that they were actually memories. This thought frightened him most.   
  
  
Some nights he saw images that didn’t seem to belong together. He saw doors that were broken in and people whose belongings were forcibly taken away from them. He saw crying children. Sho didn’t know how they fit into his past, but he had a feeling that the role he had played in all of this wasn’t a positive one.   
  
Not all dreams were bad, though. Some seemed to be from an even earlier past. He had dreams of being in an orphanage and of talking with boys who seemed to know him very well. In one of these dreams, he had played hide and seek with a boy named Maa-kun, whom he had found easily, and someone called Kazu, who had stayed hidden. Once they had found a bush full of late summer berries and eaten until their bellies had hurt. In his dreams, the little hands stained from blackberry juice had turned into adult hands stained in a different way. The images didn't seem to belong together in broad daylight but at night, everything came together as one.  
  
Sho often wondered if any of the people in his dreams were called Aiba and if there had been more to the message that Becky had found in his pocket that day than he had previously thought. He never shared his thoughts and fears with Jun or anyone else.   
  
At first, it had not seemed important and now it just felt inappropriate to share such worries with him in the time they spend together. Besides, Sho couldn’t shake the lingering fear that whatever his dreams were trying to tell him could mean the end of his stay at the manor. He feared that once they knew who he was, he would have to leave. So he tried to match his pace with Jun as much as he could and leave his thoughts for the time when he was alone. He still talked to Becky in the morning, but their chats had lost their innocence to Sho. Before, he could just openly speak his mind, but now there seemed to be landmines and secrets behind every sentence and opinion he uttered. Whenever Jun was busy during the day, he hid in the library and kept to himself.  
  
The books he read were different from before as well. He was going through volume upon volume of ancient philosophy in the search for something that would help him determine who he was, independently from his memories.   
  
Some days, he would feel assured that he could be more than his dubious past. Other times, he felt his heart sink. He didn’t like Platon whose ideology seemed to be the complete opposite of Aiba’s note. According to him, you were what you did. If Sho’s nightmares were anywhere near the truth, he wasn’t someone anyone should want to be.   
  
  
When he happened to read something that was particularly upsetting, he left the library and walked through the hallways of the mansion in an attempt to find something that could divert his attention.   
  
He went to the gardens as well. Although he enjoyed the fresh air, there was nothing there to occupy his mind. The graceful elegance of lilies on the pond didn’t soothe his mind, nor could the weeping willow quench this lingering feeling of danger inside him. During one of these restless wanderings, he asked Jun to join him for a walk. After a short hesitation, Jun accepted.   
  
They walked along the small pathway under the birches close to the hill. Every once in a while, they’d see a gardener or some other servant working busily. As soon as they were aware who was walking amongst them, the men stopped their work and bowed deeply. It was a far cry from the peaceful walk Sho had wanted, but if Jun was bothered by it he never showed it.   
They were just walking around a small pond of koi and Jun kept stopping to admire the fishes when, once again, Ohno appeared as if out of thin air.   
“I believe you are needed inside, Sir.” he said and bowed.   
  
Jun just nodded and that had put an end to their walk. They never did it again. After that, Jun sometimes opened the windows of the study and stayed there to look at the park below as if the sight was new to him. When Sho made a joke about this, his cheeks had reddened but he wasn’t mad. “I do read the reports about the property. I just don’t look at it too often. When we were down there…these cherry trees? They’ve grown so much. They used to be no bigger than me not so long ago.”   
  
Sho worried about the cold draught that blew into the study when Jun stood like this. Jun had been paler in the past days, and his cheeks felt hot when they kissed. Since the garden had not offered him the peace he had been looking for, Sho didn’t return. All in all, he felt little desire to leave the sturdy walls of the manor. Especially not now, when Jun’s arm were was offering a refuge against the images that haunted his nights.   
  
  
  
It was a bit of a surprise when Jun told him that he might send him to town in a few days. He didn’t need to go yet, Jun said, but there might be some things he would need and Ohno might be busy otherwise. It had been a weird request considering the huge number of servants that were employed in and around the manor. Usually, Sho would have asked what this was really about but Jun had been paler than usual and he didn’t want to upset him.   
  
Nothing was said about leaving for the next two days and Sho almost forgot about it. The relationship between him and Jun, that still bore no name or label, was rapidly becoming more intense. There were moments when Jun seemed to want to say something but he never did. Instead, his touch grew more urgent and his kisses had a feverish quality that was new and not entirely pleasant. Usually, he stopped when there were people near them. But the evening before, he hadn’t even stopped when they heard Ohno’s familiar knock on the door. Instead, he had leaned deeper into Sho, plastering kisses along his jaw and neck. Sho’s head was swirling and when his knees buckled, he held onto Jun. The knocking didn’t stop and when Sho drew away to gasp for air, Jun kissed his neck instead. Sho felt the heat from his lips pulse through his body as if Jun was a flame and he was burned alive. Just when the knocking grew louder did Jun finally stop. Panting and with flushed cheeks, he staggered out of the study.  
  
The next morning, Ohno awaited him in front of his room with a list of things to buy and where to buy them. The carriage was waiting, Ohno told him as if it was the most natural thing in the world.   
  
Driving into town was a strange experience. After not having seen anything besides the manor and its close surroundings, Sho’s eyes weren’t used to all the different impressions. He kept staring outside, marveling at the different houses and people that were bustling on the streets like ants.  
  
  
The first few items on the list were easy to find, some silk and embroidered sheets that had been ordered weeks ago and only to be picked up. The other things were not as easy. When no shop seemed to have the preferred sort of tobacco, Sho decided to walk over to the market to see if he couldn’t find it in one of the numerous booths there.   
  
As he was walking through the crowd, he kept turning his head. Before, he had been the one to watch others, but now he felt himself being watched. But however often he turned, he only looked at turned backs and in uninterested faces that didn’t look familiar at all.   
Suddenly, a group of kids crossed the market in a hurried game of catch-me-if-you-can and Sho was brushed aside into a group of elderly fishmongers. There, he finally saw him. A man was standing across the market square and was staring at him. When Sho blinked, he was gone. But, the feeling of danger remained.  
  
The tobacco booth was close so Sho decided to make a last purchase. But before he reached the stall, someone grabbed him from behind and pulled him into a dark alley.  
  
  
“So there you are.” It was the stranger from before.  
  
“Who are you? I don’t know you.” It was a lie. Sho couldn’t name the man, but he had seen him before. In his dreams. In his nightmares.  
  
“Oh, Sho. You really shouldn’t try to be an actor. You’re really bad at it.” The man said in a mocking, sing-song voice. “You know me. I’m your friend. Jin.”  
  
That name stung like a knife in Sho’s head. Jin…he knew that name. Some of the people in his dreams had screamed it. Sometimes, he had. Once, he had woken up from his own cries.   
The man came closer. He smiled, but his eyes were cold. “We’ve been looking for you since you disappeared. Tsk…Tsk… You made us worry, Sho. And you know, Kitagawa hates to worry.”  
Kitagawa. It was another name and another knife in Sho’s head. He flinched when Jin drew even closer. He could smell the alcohol in the other man’s breath.  
  
“And just when I was about to give up, you appear. Like the princess in a fairy tale.” He grinned. “And you even got your own prince now, huh?” Sho looked at him in panic. “Gave you a nice little carriage and fine horsies, huh.” Jin placed a hand under Sho’s chin and pinched him. “You must be a better fuck than I thought. Of course, new whores are always best.” He spat at Sho and laughed. “They aren’t broken like the old ones. You know…like your friend Aiba.”  
  
This time, the name didn’t feel like a knife. Aiba…was broken? He remembered him, parts of him. Aiba was a tall, lanky man with a huge smile for his friends. Even though there hardly had ever been any reason to smile at all. Sho didn’t even think of wiping the snot off his coat. As Jin rambled on, all the memories that Sho had lost came creeping back to him. How he had been orphaned and sent to the welfare school. How he met Aiba and Nino. How Nino and Aiba had been caught kissing and they all had been sent away to live on the streets. How they got into trouble and became part of the Clan. How they had been trained as Clan’s men. How they had made Aiba whore himself. How Nino had cried. How everything had come to this.   
  
“…maybe I should see what you’re all about before taking you back to Kitagawa. Don’t wanna leave all the fun to the old geezer. Heh.” Jin turned his head and spat at the floor.   
This was the second Sho needed. With a desperate push, he shoved Jin away from him and ran towards the front of the bar again where the carriage was waiting.   
  
“Drive! Just go!” He yelled at the horseman before launching himself into the security of the cabin. It nearly didn’t work. Jin had been surprised by Sho’s sudden action, but he hadn’t been harmed by the small push and Sho could see him run after them. “Faster! Whatever it takes!” he yelled. And then he sank back into the cushions, praying that they would just leave this forsaken town.   
  
  
  
Finally, the carriage drove onto the road between the well-known grounds of the Matsumoto manor. Sho closed his eyes and waited for his heartbeat to slow down again, now that he was safe. But it didn’t. He still felt as though he was in Jin’s hand. He could still hear the sneer in his words, when he told him that he was nothing but a little whore who would get what he deserved.   
  
Thankfully, they had been on an open street with many people bustling around them or else Jin wouldn’t have let him go. But the promise of getting him in the end had not been an empty threat. Sho shivered. Could the walls of this house keep him safe? Could they keep this evil out? Was he even still allowed inside, now that he remembered who and what he was?  
  
There were no servants to greet him and Sho was thankful for that. All he wanted was to go to sleep and forget everything that had happened. He took the small staircase up to the next floor. If he was quiet, he thought, then maybe nobody would notice his arrival.   
  
Just when he was about to enter the right wing where his room lay, someone ran into him. It was Ohno. Unlike his usual appearance, he was a mess. His hair was tousled and instead of a jacket, he wore a simple shirt that wasn’t buttoned properly. There was blood on it.   
  
For a second, they both stared at each other in surprise. Then, Ohno lowered his eyes towards the bowl he had been carrying. It was full of fresh bandages.   
  
Ohno looked up again, determined. “Follow me.”   
  
Something in his voice had always commanded respect, but this time it demanded obedience. Sho just nodded and hoped that the knot in his stomach was just a residue of his earlier encounter and not an omen of the things that lay waiting for him.   
  
Yet, he wasn’t surprised when Ohno led him to the master bedroom.  
  
  
  
Jun’s bedroom looked like the rest of the manor: impressive but cold. The only thing that wasn’t made to appear grand and imposing was the bed. In its simplicity and with the many colored pillows it almost seemed like it didn’t belong here and was added as an afterthought.  
  
On a table next to the bed was a huge metal bowl that was filled with coals that glowed in a deep red shade. On top of it were a couple of white marbles that melted slowly into the heat. A sweet, stifling smell filled the room. Opium.  
  
Sho didn’t notice any of this at first. His eyes were glued to the person lying on the bed – Jun. His eyes were closed. The flickers of the candles on the nightstand were reflected in the beads of sweat that had collected on his pale face. In his motionless state, he seemed like a painting to Sho. Like a painting or something else he didn’t even allow himself to think.  
Ohno was kneeling in front of the bed now, with the bowl of bandages on the floor next to him. Sho didn’t want to look. He felt like he was invading some part of Jun’s life that he should not have knowledge of. Yet, at the same time, he wanted to be here with the same air of belonging that Ohno had. So, Sho forced his eyes away from Jun’s face towards his legs.  
It shouldn’t have looked that bad, he thought involuntarily. He had seen Jun walk, with a cane but still, he had walked. But what Sho saw made him wonder how Jun had ever been able to stand on his feet yet alone move at all.  
  
His right leg was fine. And if one looked from the hips to the thighs, his left leg appeared fine as well. But once Sho’s eyes trailed towards the knee and past it, it was clear that nothing about it was anywhere near fine. The bone right beneath the kneecap seemed twisted and simply wrong. A part of it jutted out from the knee’s pit as if it had been misplaced somehow. But that wasn’t all. Jun’s foot had undoubtedly been broken once, but it had not grown back the way it was supposed to be. He seemed to have more joints than he should have. The worst of all, however, was the way his leg was swollen and festered. There were some cuts along the shin bone that were slowly leaking blood and pus.   
  
Sho felt faint. When the carriage had returned to the manor, he had hoped that he had escaped his worries for now, but apparently he hadn’t. What he saw in front of him seemed even worse than what he left behind. He fought against the impulse to turn his back on Jun and run. Sho didn’t want to know any of this.   
  
“The fluid collects around his joints. It needs to be drained.” Ohno said with his back to Sho. He was wiping some of the blood and pus. But as soon as he did it, the wounds would start to leak again.  
  
“We usually apply leeches, but they won’t suck the blood if it isn’t clean.” He paused as if he was thinking of what to say next. “It only gets like this when it’s not drained regularly. The fever comes from that too.”  
  
Sho looked back at Jun’s face that lay motionless on the pillow. He had noticed the fever, but he hadn’t thought that it was a real cause for concern. Now, he wondered what else he hadn’t seen.   
  
Ohno was silent again and Sho did not know what to say. For a while, the only sound in the room came from the changing of the bandages around Jun’s leg.   
  
  
“I…” Sho began. “I want to do it. I’m his…” he stopped. There was nothing he could say after that. “I want to do it.” Sho repeated. If anyone should take care of Jun now, it should be him. Even if he didn’t know how.  
  
Surprisingly, Ohno just nodded and stepped away from Jun.   
  
“There is not much you can do. Try to wipe away everything that leaks out from the wounds. Once it stops you can wrap the leg in some bandages, but not too tight. Any pressure would be bad.” He turned towards the door, where he stopped.   
  
“Usually, there is no need for all that. If we use leeks, he has to rest for a day, every week, and then he’s fine. “, Sho could see that Ohno was gripping the door handle as if he needed to restrain himself.   
  
“Things have changed. He had changed. But...he is not fine like this, _Sho-san_.” Then, he was gone.  
There was no need to spell it out for Sho. He was what had changed around here. But there was nothing he could do now except try to help Jun as best as he could.  
  
Most of the work had been done already. What came out of the cuts were only small drops that barely stained the bandages. Not much compared to what he had seen Ohno wipe away. But still too much in Sho’s mind. The opium hung heavily in the air and Sho felt dizzy. Yet, he added another marble to the coals when the others had melted down. It was to soothe Jun’s pain. And it was better than smelling the putrid odor that came out of Jun’s wounds.  
  
  
Somewhere along the hours he spent sitting in front of Jun’s bed, Sho realized something. He couldn’t see Jun as anything else but Jun anymore. He knew that he was the Lord Matsumoto, a person of elevated status of importance, but he didn’t see it when he looked at Jun. His lordship was the angry man who had not been kind to him when they had first met, but Jun was the one who kissed him between books and in corners. The one who told him that he was not nobody, not to him.   
  
The wounds had dried a while ago and Sho had bandaged the leg as softly as he could. Yet, he didn’t move away from Jun. Instead, he watched his face in search of any signs of pain or discomfort.  
  
  
Long past midnight, Jun woke up. It started with a furrowing of his brows and a sharp inhale of breath and then he slowly opened his eyes.   
  
  
“Sho? …what are you doing…here?” Jun took a deep breath and tried to get up. For a minute, he didn’t seem to know where he was and why. As soon as he moved his legs, however, a wave of pain shot over his face and he fell back onto the pillows as if defeated.   
  
“Please don’t move.” Sho whispered. He felt helpless. Jun did not reply and turned his face away. When he spoke again, his voice was reduced to a whisper and Sho strained to hear the words.  
  
“Do … you mind?”  
  
At first, he waited to see if Jun would continue. But nothing came after that. Did he mind? Sho’s eyes trailed over Jun’s torso towards his leg that was now covered in thick white bandages. It didn’t look that bad now. Not like before, when he had barely been able to look at it. Gently, Sho placed his fingers on top of Jun’s knees where he knew he wouldn’t touch any fresh cut or bruise. This was not how it should be. It didn’t fit into his image of Jun. Into his image of what Jun should be: healthy, strong, and independent. Happy.  
  
“I hate it.” He admitted. “But I don’t mind.”  
  
He felt Jun relax a little. Or rather, he felt some stiffness leave Jun’s body as if the other had held his breath and was now letting it go.   
  
Then, Jun’s fingers came to rest upon his hand. Softly at first, but when Sho interlocked his fingers with Jun’s, he felt a pull. It was weak but the intent was clear.   
  
Jun’s face was turned towards him, but it was too dark now to see his expression. So, Sho reached out with his hand and wiped some sweat from Jun’s forehead. Jun leaned into the touch.  
“How…” Sho didn’t finish his question and just let it linger there as a fragment for Jun to react to if he wanted.   
  
After a minute of hesitation, Jun told him.  
  
“My mother…when I was young, I had knock-knees. It didn’t hinder me, but it looked … unappealing.” Sho felt Jun’s breath on his wrist as he tried to find the right words. “The doctor didn’t want to do it. So, she paid someone else, a stranger.” He gulped. “It didn’t work out too well.”   
  
“She…she gave me a cane and said it lent me an air of authority.”   
  
Sho moved closer to Jun, as if he could shield him from the pain this memory caused him. “How old were you?”  
  
Jun leaned into Sho’s hand and swallowed dryly.   
  
“I was five.”


	5. Chapter 5

Jun had finally fallen into a deep slumber and Sho was relieved when he saw the regular movement of his chest. At last, he seemed to be resting peacefully. The bandages on his leg had been changed a couple of times and the bleeding had stopped about an hour ago. Ohno had been there to look at Jun's wounds while Sho had turned towards Jun's face. Only when Ohno had assured him that the worst was over had Sho finally allowed himself to relax. He hadn't wanted to let go of Jun's hand. When Ohno asked him if he wanted to take watch tonight, he just nodded.   
  
Now, he was sitting on the floor next to the bed. The candles in the room had all gone out one after the other and he hadn't bothered to light them again. Before he had left, Ohno had opened the curtains and a little moon light was pooling through the windows. Not enough to allow Sho to see Jun's face, but only their hands with their fingers still intertwined.  
  
~*~   
  
The next morning, they took away the opium and Sho opened the windows to let some fresh air in. Jun was still in pain but his fever had abated. He was very tired but no longer in danger. The doctor assured him this when he came to look at his patient in the morning. It was the same old man who had treated Sho when he first came to the manor.  
  
“You look better now, young man.” He smiled at him. “Have you recovered by now?”  
  
Sho nodded. “Yes. All the bruises are gone.”   
  
“Good, good.” The doctor patted his shoulders absent-mindedly. He was devoted to his craft and a healthy Sho was not interesting enough to distract him from Jun's condition.  
  
“Make sure he gets some fluids. He needs to recover from all the blood loss.” The doctor told him. “And change his clothes. He's been sweating too much.” This was directed at Ohno but Sho took note of it, nevertheless.   
  
When the doctor had left, Ohno brought a change of clothes for Jun. Instead of the usual long nightgown, it was a normal, albeit thinner and softer, shirt and a pair of pants that was closed on the side with a set of strings across the leg. It was obviously something that could be opened easily to give access to the leg without any help from its wearer.  
  
“It's easier this way.” Ohno explained. “He's not exposed to anyone but we can change the bandages or the pants themselves if he is bleeding again.”   
  
“It's certainly rational.” Sho mused. His voice came out strangled at the mention of Jun bleeding again. “Show me how to do it, please.”  
  
After they had changed Jun's clothing, Ohno had shown him how to do the bandages again. Contrary to the night before, they had to be tied tightly around Jun's leg. It helped the recovery, Ohno explained. The wounds, he said, seemed to heal quicker if they were pressed together. There were other things, Sho learned that morning. The first layer of bandages needed to be doused in strong alcohol as the doctor insisted that this was cleaning whatever was foul in Jun's body. It was best to do this while Jun was asleep as the application of those layers was always very painful to him. Opium was not to be used during those times or any other time. Unless Jun was in too much pain to bear it, he was supposed to go without it. If he had trouble sleeping, Sho could give him some Laudanum dissolved in water. It soothed the pain but didn't cloud Jun's senses as much as pure Opium did.  
  
“It doesn't look like he'll need any help to fall asleep.” Ohno said while rolling up some bandages. “But soon that will change.”   
  
For now, however, Jun was still caught up in a deep slumber. After they had done everything there was to do, Ohno took a chair in front of Jun's bed. He would take watch now, he declared quietly. So Sho could take care of himself for a change. hE didn't want to leave but Sho had to admit that there was no reason for him to stay. So he went back to his own room, cleaned himself, changed his clothes, and had a little of the breakfast that Becky had thoughtfully left on his table. Then, he went to the library.   
  
Sho didn't go the private study, nor did he seek out his little desk. He walked along the bookshelves that had become so familiar to him, until he found the books he was looking for. By midday, he had gathered all he needed and returned to Jun's room. Ohno raised an eyebrow when he saw Sho with all the books in his arms, but he said nothing and quietly left the room to leave them alone.  
  
Sho pulled the chair closer to the bed and with one hand on Jun's, he picked up the first book and started to read.   
  
~*~  
  
Hours later, Jun woke up. It started with a twitch of his fingers. Then, he slowly moved his head. And then he finally opened his eyes. Sho tried to smile at him.   
  
“Hello.” He whispered.   
  
Jun moved his lips but no sound came out. Remembering the doctor's words, Sho brought a glass of water to Jun's mouth. “You've been sleeping for an entire day.” He told Jun. “Are you hungry? Should I bring you something?” Jun took a few small sips before he answered.   
  
“What are you doing here?” Sho fidgeted with the glass not knowing if Jun remembered the last night or not.   
  
“I am reading.” He replied calmly.  
  
Jun was breathing heavily and Sho brought the glass back to his lips. “Please drink. You can send me away after you've finished this. But I won't go before that.”   
  
“You don't have to go.” Jun took another sip from the glass and coughed faintly. “But you are not comfortable like this.” He shook his head when Sho offered him the glass once more.  
  
“Well…that's for me to decide, isn't it? You can't send me away since you didn't drink it all.” Sho replied quietly. Jun laid back again and closed his eyes. When Sho took his hand again, he squeezed.  
  
~*~  
  
It was dark when Jun woke up again. Sho had been napping in his seat and awoke with a start when Jun was pulling on his fingers.   
  
“What are you doing?” he whispered. “You should be sleeping.”  
  
“I was sleeping before you woke me up.” Sho wiped his eyes and moved his legs. He winced when he realized that his left foot had not woken up with him.   
  
While Sho was wiping his foot furiously, Jun was watching him with an unreadable expression.  
  
“You won't go away?” He asked after a while. Sho just shook his head. “No.”  
  
Jun closed his eyes again and Sho was sure that he'd fallen back asleep. Instead, Jun moved a little to the side, as far as he could, and pulled on the covers.   
  
“What are you doing?” This time it was Sho who was confused.  
  
“It's cold.” Jun took a deep breath. “I can't allow you to become sick if you want to watch over me.”  
  
Sho blushed and was about to say something when he saw Jun’s expression. He carefully stood up and limped to the other side of the bed. He was wearing normal clothes. That would be bothersome in the morning, but right now he was glad about the extra layer of clothes between him and Jun. He didn't want to go too far.  
  
The covers were surprisingly cool to the touch and Sho shivered a little when he settled in. Jun's face was still turned towards the windows and so Sho couldn't see his expression. But then, beneath the covers, he felt a small finger probing at his hand. With a smile, he grasped it.  
  
~*~  
  
The morning came and brought light and nervous glances. But by the afternoon, Sho had settled into his chair again. He had abandoned the books about bones and leeches that he had first read and had gone back to retrieve some poems and carols to read to Jun. Ohno only came to help Sho with the bandages and to bring food and tea to Jun. No other servants were allowed in this room. When the evening came, it was the most normal thing in the world to slip into bed and continue reading.  
  
They spent the next days in an almost happy isolation from the world and Jun's recovery was going well. The doctor had come once more and had been pleasantly surprised at Jun's condition. His lordship, he had remarked, look almost better than his guardian. Sho had just laughed gladly but Jun had not. When the doctor had left, he had asked Sho to take a walk.   
  
“You can't stay with me all the time.” He reasoned. “You need to move your legs. Take some fresh air.” How long do you want to stay like this?”  
  
“As long as you.” Was Sho's stubborn answer but after a while he relented. Jun did look better than before and he had barely needed any relief for his pain. Sho didn't need to stay vigilant anymore since the leg was healing more quickly than everyone had anticipated. So after a bit of arguing, he agreed to at least take a stroll through the gardens.  
  
~*~  
  
It was a clear afternoon and Sho took a deep breath once he stepped outside. The sun was shining brightly. Not a single cloud was seen on the sky. He walked over the grassy fields and followed a small path under some cherry trees that offered shade. Jun had been right. Sho had missed walking and soon his steps grew wider. He wandered into parts of the gardens where he had never been before.   
  
There was a pond so overgrown with lilies that Sho couldn't see the bottom of it. He saw a group of white willows before a small rock formation. There were some blackberry bushes that formed a circle, but it was so irregular that Sho wasn't sure if a gardener had planted them or if they had been thrown there by the wind. He made a mental note to ask Jun about it later.   
  
After some more steps, he reached the wall that went around the grounds of Matsumoto manor. He walked along it, with his fingers drawing across the bricks. The wall had been painted white in most other parts of the property but here, half hidden behind some trees and bushes, nobody had bothered. In fact, some bricks were missing here and there. Only single bricks at first but the further he got, the more bricks were missing.   
  
Just when he had decided to go back and tell someone about it, a hand shot out of nowhere and grabbed his arm.  
  
“Look what I found.” A voice chanted eerily from behind the wall. A voice Sho was very familiar with.  
  
“Hello Sho.”  
  
\- “Jin.”  
  
Jin was staring at him through the hole. He looked less drunk than the last time Sho had seen him but much more manic.  
  
“Why hello, Sho. So glad you remember me.” He pulled on Sho's arm. Sho struggled.  
  
\- “What are you doing here? Let me go!” he yelled. But Jin only laughed. His face came closer to the opening in the wall.  
  
“There's no one here who can hear you. I could cut your throat and they wouldn't hear you.”  
  
Sho bit his lip and tried to break free with an ever growing desperation. But Jin was stronger.  
  
\- “So, this is where you live, huh? I followed you back here but I didn't see you step out. Its a good thing you did or I would've had to go in and get you.”   
  
Sho huffed. The days without moving hadn't improved his strength and Jin had always been stronger than him. “What do you want?”  
  
Jin shook his head in mock disdain. “But Sho, I was just worried about you. Were old friends after all.” He drew Sho closer until he could smell Jin's breath again. His forehead was touching the wall above the hole. It hurt.   
  
\- “You will come to the front door tonight or I will really come and get you. But I will carry you out in bits if that happens.” Jin's eyes were stone cold. “There is one room that's always lit up on the first floor. I know you're in there. Don't try to run away again or it will be really painful.”   
  
Sho's mind went blank when he realized whose room Jin was talking about.  
  
“You better bring some money. I've been having nothing but trouble since you went away. If you want to reach the Clan in one piece, you better make it worth it.” He pulled Sho some more just to see him wince in his grasp. “Don't try anything. You'd regret it.”

  
~*~  
  
Sho ran up the stairs, not minding if he ran into someone. He didn't stop until he finally reached Jun's bedroom. There, he paused for a second. Jun was alone and judging from his upright position, Ohno had just been there to help him sit against some pillows. He wouldn't be back for a while.   
  
Jun looked up at Sho, a question evident on his face.  
  
“Don't ask. Please.” was all Sho said. He managed to take off his boots before he threw himself on the bed. He took Jun's face in his hands and allowed himself to look at him for a moment. Jun was still pale, but a flush had started to color his cheeks. His eyes were wide open and no longer clouded from the opium smoke. His lips were parted. Looking at them threw Sho out of his reverie. He kissed Jun in short, feverish pecks until it wasn't enough anymore. He pushed gently between Jun's lips, demanding entrance. His fingers were still tangled in Jun's hair. Sho couldn't let go. He angled his head to gain better, or simply more, access. Jun turned with him. Without interrupting the kiss, Sho opened his eyes. Jun was leaning into him with closed eyes. Suddenly, he moved and grabbed Sho by the shirt, drawing him closer. It was enough to make Sho lose the rest of his self-control.  
  
He slipped his hands away from Jun's face to down his neck, then down his chest, and then towards his belly. He stopped when Jun drew away and inhaled sharply.   
  
“I…” he paused but then Jun shook his head and pulled him closer again.  
  
Sho's fingers fluttered over Jun's belly, touching slightly but without pressure. Finally, he moved his hands under Jun's shirt and pushed it up until it bunched under his armpits. He moved his lips away from Jun's to follow the way his fingers had gone, across Jun's neck towards his chest. He lingered there for a moment, fascinated by the way the chest moved with Jun's breathing. Sho moved towards the left nipple. There was a tiny mole next to it. and Sho licked it with the tip of his tongue for a second before he took the nipple fully into his mouth and sucked. Again, Jun inhaled sharply. He moved his hands from Sho's shirt to his head. Sho could feel how the fingers were slightly shaking against his ears. It made the knot in his stomach feel even heavier than before. He sucked harder and for a second he was sure that he could feel Jun's heartbeat through his chest. His hands that had been fluttering across Jun's belly along the rips and curves of his body halted in their movement.   
  
Sho got up on his knees. The angle wasn't right. He couldn't get as close to Jun as he wanted, as he needed. Jun was looking at him, flushed and disheveled. Without explaining what he wanted, Sho quickly pulled away his own shirt before helping Jun get rid of his. He knelled above him now, with Jun between his legs as if to stop him from running away. He leaned down again to leave small kisses all over Jun's face, on his forehead, near his eyes, and next to his nose. Where he kissed didn't matter as long as he was just kissing Jun. But when he leaned further down, to get more contact, Jun hissed in pain. Sho's weight was too much for him, it was straining his joints. Sho immediately got up again.  
  
“I will…”  
  
“No.” Jun held him so that he wouldn't move away. “No.” Jun's hands were on his back now, softly pulling him back.  
  
“I will hurt you.”  
  
“No, you won't.”  
  
They kissed again, softer this time, and Sho shifted on his knees until he found a way to lean into Jun without leaning onto him. Hovering like this wasn't perfect but he could still feel Jun's body underneath him, hot and shaking. He could feel a hardness pushing at his own and finally, Sho moved. It was slow and interrupted by kisses at first but after a while the movements grew more urgent. When Jun's breath hitched and Sho could feel his fingers digging into the skin of his back, his own hand slipped between their bodies. It didn't take long for them to finish. When Sho laid his head next to Jun's as he was hurriedly pushing forward, Jun grabbed his neck and kissed him with everything he had. _I love you._ Did he say it or did he hear it be said? Sho would never know.   
  
~*~  
  
Afterwards, they lay entangled with each other. Jun's face was flushed but his eyes were clear. He opened his mouth as if to say something when the door opened. Sho flinched and instinctively leaned closer into Jun, holding tightly onto his sides. There was a moment's hesitation and then Jun laid his arms around Sho. “Thank you.” Sho heard him say. “I am fine. I don't need anything else right now.” Then the door closed again. “Are you alright?” Jun whispered into his ear. Sho nodded but didn't say a word. A lie was easy when one didn't have to speak.  
  
Sho laid his head on Jun's shoulders and pretended to sleep. He didn't have the heart to talk to Jun, who was lazily drawing circles on his back with his fingers. Instead, he looked out of the window. Between his lashes, he saw the last rays of sunlight disappear.  
  
When it was completely dark, he disentangled himself from Jun and got up. Just when he was turning to leave, Jun woke up.  
  
“Where are you going?” Jun asked and blinked sleepily.  
  
Sho raised a blanket he had used to clean them up, as if to say he would just take care of this.   
  
“Nowhere”, he said “I'm going nowhere.”  
  
~*~  
  
It took just a pen knife and a little desperation to open the secretary in Jun's antechamber. There wasn't much money but some gold trinkets that would have to do. The darkness was nearly complete now, so Sho had to hurry. Without another look back, he ran down the stairs and opened the main doors. It was just a small sprint to the little gate next to the stable. When he got there, Jin was already waiting.   
  
“You got the money?”   
  
Sho nodded. He wanted to keep running and not stay so close to the manor, now that he had really left. He handed Jin the bag and turned towards the group of willows that guarded the way into town.   
  
“It ain't much. But it'll do.”  
  
Sho never even saw the fist that sent him flying to the ground. And neither he nor Jin noticed the small figure who looked at them from the open door.  
  
~*~  
  
Once again, Sho woke up to darkness and voices that couldn't fully reach him. For a moment, he hoped that everything had been a dream, a continuation of his nightmares. He hoped that he would soon wake up to a bed with fine linen and Becky's cheerful chatter. Or even better, he would wake up to see Jun's face. But the more he understood of the voices, the more this hope waned and finally it died. He was back at the Clan. If anything felt like a dream now, it was the manor and Jun.  
  
“Wake up, Sakurai!”  
  
Sho closed his eyes, as if that would prolong his last moment as a free man. It was a mistake, as the kick to his ribs swiftly reminded him. One did not disobey orders. There was another kick to his knees and then one more to his stomach. It was too much. and Sho finally opened his eyes and screamed in pain.   
  
Another kick to his ribs and then a boot was pushed on his back with the heel digging deep into his skin.  
  
“So you're finally awake, whore?”   
  
Sho blinked through his tears. He knew that they didn't expect him to answer and so he kept quiet.   
  
“You're lucky that your face is something now or I'd have cut it right off your skull.” Jin sneered at him. The boot was lifted only to come crushing down again and Sho tasted blood on his lips where he had bit them to keep from crying even louder.   
He heard a door open and steps leading away from him. Finally, he was alone again. Or so, he thought.  
  
“Sho?” It took Sho a moment to realize where the voice came from. It had been so soft and barely louder than a whisper that he could hardly hear it over the rush of blood in his ears.   
  
“Ma…Masaki?” There he was, in a corner. He must have been there when Jin had hit Sho but they both knew that he couldn't have done anything to stop it. “Masaki.” Sho could see clearer now and despite the pain, he was glad to finally see his friend again.  
  
Masaki stepped closer and carefully helped Sho turn over on his back. It hurt but breathing was easier this way. Aiba took off his coat and made a little pillow for Sho’s head. “I don't know how long I can stay. One of the guys let me in but I couldn't pay much.” He said apologetically. His head was bowed while he looked at Sho's body to see if he had been gravely hurt. Sho blinked. At first, he thought it was just a play of light on Aiba's features, but the blue and black shadows on his face didn't move with the flicker of the candles. Sho reached out with his hand but Aiba flinched away.  
  
“Don't.” He whispered. “It's not as bad as it looks.”  
  
“Who did that? A customer?” Sho asked. “Has Nino seen it?”  
  
“It…wasn't a customer.” Aiba tugged a strand of hair behind his ear and Sho saw the extent of the bruises that covered Aiba's face. It couldn't have been more than one or two hits, as the area was relatively small. But whoever had done it surely hadn't held back.   
  
“Nino…he…they made him into one of the handlers. He was supposed to go with me to a customer.” Aiba brushed some dirt off Sho's clothes. “He didn't know how it was. How it's done. He thought I liked it.” His tone was apologetic again but he was talking more to himself than to Sho. “He didn't mean it. Nino would never hit me. I'm not me when I am doing it anyway.”   
  
Sho got up and grabbed Aiba's hand. Nino had never raised a hand against Masaki. In all the filth and dirt they lived in, Aiba and Nino had always managed to keep some happiness between them. Whatever they had to do had played no role in what they were to each other. Or so, Sho had thought.   
  
Aiba smiled faintly at Sho and shook his head. “I know what you're thinking. But it's alright. We…we will manage. He thought I liked it and he couldn't deal with that. But now, he knows. He knows.” Aiba nodded to himself. He turned back to Sho. “He was worried about you. We both were.”  
  
Sho pressed Aiba's hand. “There was an accident. I didn't remember anything for a while.”  
  
“Did someone take you in?”  
  
Sho nodded.   
  
“Someone special?” Aiba asked quietly.  
  
\- “Someone very special.”   
  
Aiba shook his head. “If they were so special, they wouldn't have let you go.”  
  
Before Sho could say more, the door was opened and Aiba had to leave.   
  
~*~  
  
The next days, Sho was left alone. Aiba had only been able to pass some messages but he was not allowed to visit him again. They gave him food and water so Sho had concluded that he was not going to die soon. They wouldn't have bothered with him if there wasn't some intention behind keeping him alive. Sho tried not to think about what they had in store for him. The time to find out would come soon enough, he thought. And he was right.   
  
One morning, maybe four or five days since he had been back, he had another visitor. Matchy, one of the older Clan members, came in. He carried a bowl of water and a stack of clothes. Sho watched as Matchy placed the bowl on the floor.   
  
“Prepare yourself.” He turned to leave again.  
  
“Prepare myself? For what?”  
  
“You have a customer.”  
  
~*~  
  
It took Sho longer than it should have to wash himself and get dressed. He did it mechanically as if someone else was guiding his hands. He was back where it had started. Sho felt like he was in a dream. Only this time, he wouldn't wake up to Jun.  
  
Matchy waited for him outside the door when he was finally finished. He led him through some corridors and up some stairs. Rich customers preferred to meet their whores outside but poor people did the business right at the Clan's quarters. Aiba never had to do this, people paid well for him. Only those who were too ugly or had fallen out of favor with Kitagawa were put here. Like him.   
  
Matchy stopped when they reached the top floor. “It's the last room on the right.” He nodded in the direction of Sho's destination. “I'll be waiting here.”  
  
Sho furrowed his brows. “Aren't you my handler? Shouldn't you come with me?”  
  
Matchy grinned. “The whores here need no handler. The customers handle you alright. Now go.” He leaned on the wall. Sho closed his eyes for a brief second before he walked into the room.  
  
~*~  
  
His customer stood with his back to the door. He didn't turn when Sho entered.   
  
“Hello?” Sho asked.  
  
The man looked at him. It was Ohno.   
  
Sho's heart stopped for a second and then he rushed towards Ohno. “Is it really you? How did you get here? How did you find me? Does Jun know?”  
  
Ohno took a step back and looked at Sho.  
  
“I am not here for his lordship. I came for myself.” He sat on the bed and patted the place next to him.  
  
“Isn't this what you do?”


	6. Chapter 6

_"Isn't this what you do?"_

  
Sho took a step back.   
  
“You’re not serious.” He muttered. “You can’t be.”  
  
  
  
  
Sho took another step away from Ohno. His head was spinning and his lungs burned as if he wasn’t breathing air but sulfur.  
  
“Don’t do this. Please.” His voice had turned into a whisper. He couldn’t look at Ohno anymore and instead focused on the floor beneath his feet.   
  
When seconds passed without a reply from Jun’s valet, Sho slowly sank to his knees. His hands were shaking on the floor, making contact with the cold wood surface that offered nothing to hold on to.   
  
“Why shouldn’t I? Or for that matter, why shouldn’t you?” Ohno seemed relentless.  
  
The last conversation Sho had had with Ohno had been about the side effects of Laudanum and how it was such a positive surprise that Jun had not needed very much of it. Sho had seen Ohno on his way outside for a walk on that last day at the manor, but the valet had been busy and they had only nodded at each other. He couldn’t think of any moment that would have given him a warning, an indication of what was to happen now. Sho gulped, forcing air into his lungs, while he tried to think of what to say or do to stop this from happening. But he couldn’t think of anything.  
  
“Not you…”he choked finally. “Anyone but you.” His hands on the floor were balled up into fists. Sho was shaking.  
  
“Who else?” There was a pregnant pause. “His lordship?”  
  
Sho raised his head and glared at Ohno.  
  
“Don’t mention him. Don’t bring him into this.” He tried to sound menacing but even to his own ears he sounded nothing but scared. Ohno’s face betrayed no emotion. He didn’t say anything and for a moment, the only sounds between them were of Sho’s heavy breathing and the almost inaudible play of Ohno’s fingertips on the blanket.   
  
Sho closed his eyes. “I don’t want him in here. And I don’t want you in here. You belong to him.” Ohno’s fingers stopped but Sho didn’t bother to look at him again. “I can’t ask you to leave. But I beg you to not go through with it. Please. Let me have my memories, let me have something that isn’t connected to all this. I have only my thoughts of him. Don’t spoil them.”  
Sho lowered his head until he could feel the cold floor on his face. There was nothing he could do to stop this and Sho was very aware of it.  
  
Ohno did not answer to his plea but after a moment that seemed to stretch into infinity, he got up from the bed. He didn’t say anything to acknowledge Sho’s pleas and instead left quietly and quickly through the door.   
  
Sho stayed on the floor for a while, unable to move or to stop shaking even after he heard the door close. Only when he remembered that Matchy was waiting for him, did he get up.   
  
To his surprise, he got a pat on the shoulder when he walked up to the handler. “It’s tough for everyone the first time. Just be glad that it was quick.” Sho didn’t react but thankfully, Matchy didn’t seem to expect any response. They walked back to his cell in silence.   
  
  
~*~  
  
  
The next morning, Matchy was back again with a bowl of water and clothing. This time, they were of a much better quality.   
  
“You need to prepare yourself thoroughly. Don’t joke around with this.”Matchy ’s voice was stern but his eyes gave away some pity.   
  
“New customer?” was all Sho managed while staring at the bundle of clothes that resembled some he had worn before his return to the Clan.   
  
“Not a costumer. You’re going to the Boss.”  
  
  
~*~  
  
  
They took a different route through the house. Sho remembered the steps well from the last time he had seen the Clan’s leader. Back then, he had thought that his life could not get any worse. Sho smiled bitterly when he thought about it.   
  
“I wouldn’t smile if I were you.” Matchy whispered into his ear. “You don’t want to seem defiant. Trust me on this.”  
  
Matchy accompanied him to the Boss’s private rooms but stopped in front of the door. “Look, just so you know, I won’t wait in front of the door.” He said. “I have nothing against you but it’s always better not to get involved too much.” He hesitated. Sho looked at him with his eyes devoid of any emotion. “Don’t scream. You’re alone in there and it will only anger him.” With this, he abruptly turned and walked away.   
  
Sho watched him leave and when Matchy turned around a corner, he opened the door and slipped in. He had never been here before. The usual dealings with underlings from the Clan were dealt with in Kitagawa’s office. Yet, it felt strangely familiar to Sho and the thought pained him. It was a little smaller than most rooms at the manor.   
The overly expensive furniture and the excessive decorations served no purpose but to intimidate those that were unfamiliar with these surrounding. Yet, as Sho looked around, the way everything had been crammed into one room added an almost claustrophobic air to the room. As if someone had tried to fill every inch of this room with splendor and yet had managed to show nothing but desperation in the end.  
It took him a moment to notice the man who was sitting in front of the fireplace. The Clan’s leader was dressed in normal clothes which seemed almost cheap compared to Sho’s attire. Had it not been for the belt with pistols around his waist, Kitagawa would’ve seemed out of place. As it was, he looked like the most dangerous element of the room. The smirk on his face made clear that he had been watching Sho ever since he entered.  
  
“Still the same old Sho, I see. I’m glad you haven’t changed.”   
  
Sho just stared at him wordlessly. Kitagawa didn’t seem to mind.  
  
“You still don’t know how to obey me. But you have no trouble bowing to others, I have heard.”  
  
Matchy had warned him not to appear defiant and Aiba had always told him not to give up. Sho remembered their words and slowly lowered his head in the illusion of a bow. Kitagawa clapped his hands in mock delight.  
  
“Very well done, dear boy. It seems you have learned to value your life.” Kitagawa smiled coldly and tapped a foot on the floor. “Come closer.”  
  
Had Sho had the energy for it, he would’ve found the situation ironic. He had never been further from valuing his life. It was hopelessness not hope that made him step up to the Clan’s leader.  
  
“I heard from Jin that you found yourself a customer who didn’t want to let you go. I almost didn’t want to believe it. Not my sweet Sho, I told him. But then, you had a visitor yesterday.” Kitagawa said.  
  
“Did you know that he offered to buy you? You must have gained some very impressive skills while you were away, Sho.” Kitagawa leaned forward to trace Sho’s front with his fingers. “I couldn’t sell anything so valuable without knowing it first-hand. You understand, don’t you?”   
He whispered sweetly. “But I promised to let him borrow you. Isn’t that nice?”   
  
Sho tasted bile on the back of his throat while Kitagawa’s hands lingered on his side. He felt fingernails dig through the fabric of his shirt and into his skin.   
  
“Isn’t it, Sho?” Kitagawa repeated his question and squeezed harder.   
  
“Yes.” Sho’s voice was flat and Kitagawa didn’t seem satisfied.  
  
“Yes, what?”  
  
“It’s very nice.”   
  
Kitagawa seemed satisfied and let go of Sho. He leaned back in his seat.  
  
“Surely you must want to thank me now. On your knees.”  
  
Sho knelt on the carpet before Kitagawa. With trembling fingers, he slowly undid the leather belt that held Kitagawa’s guns and placed it carefully on the floor before his knees. Next was the button. It was caught in a thread and didn’t want to come loose. Kitagawa slapped Sho’s hands away and grunted when Sho couldn’t open his pants fast enough. With a huff, he worked on it himself.   
Sho slumped back. There was no fight left in him as he sat there waiting for what would happen next. Kitagawa was cursing and then the pants fell to the ground in front of Sho. If there had been any hope of escaping, it was now.   
But the door was far and behind it were Kitagawa’s men. Sho knew he could never escape. The pistol at his knees was heavy and cold. It didn’t seem to belong there at first. But when Kitagawa put a hand on Sho’s head and pulled him closer, the gun’s handle slipped nicely into his hand. Sho thought of Jun, of the last time he had seen him, and how different his touch had felt. His fingers closed around the trigger.   
  
Then, the whole world went mute.  
  
  
~*~  
  
  
He hadn’t expected the shot to be so loud. For a moment, Sho just sat there blinking while his head bounded with the aftershock. It wasn’t a clean shot, by any means, but nobody would survive a bullet that travelled through one’s entire body. If there hadn’t been blood on his lower body, Kitagawa would’ve looked almost peaceful as he lay there on the carpet.   
Sho looked down. The gun that had felt so cold a moment earlier was hot and smoking in his hands. He could smell the burnt powder. There had been only one shot and Sho briefly wondered if he had made the right choice. Whoever would find him would not allow him a quick death.   
  
Sho steeled himself. He could hear shouts outside, people rushing back and forth. And then, the door was ripped open.  
  
Sho didn’t turn around.   
  
“Are you hurt? Can you walk?” It was Ohno’s voice that cut through the fog in Sho’s head like a knife. He stared at him and only when Ohno repeated his question more urgently, did he shake his confusion.  
  
“What are you…?”  
  
But Ohno wasn’t listening to him anymore. With an urgent tug, he pulled Sho to his feet and dragged him outside.   
  
What Sho had heard was true. People were running around, screaming and yelling at each other, whilst trying to grab as much as they could from wherever they were standing. It was complete chaos. Sho tried to stop to see what was going on but Ohno relentlessly dragged him further, farther away from what was left of Kitagawa. There were so many people that nobody paid them any attention. Too many people for them to be all members of the Clan, Sho realized as they were hurriedly descending some stairs. He coughed as the air grew hotter. Smoke filled the rooms as they were running through a hallway. The house was on fire. In all the haste, Sho would’ve stumbled a couple of times if it hadn’t been for Ohno. He led them through the building, avoiding everyone and everything that could’ve stopped them.  
  
Suddenly, they were outside. Ohno let go of his wrist and Sho turned around. Behind him, the windows of the bleak house were illuminated by the fire. Flames were leaking out from under the roof like greedy lips ready to devour whatever came near them. He didn’t have time to consider any of this. Ohno was back and urged him into a small carriage.   
  
  
~*~  
  
  
They were silent as they rode towards the manor. Sho had tried to ask Ohno how this all happened but the valet had just crossed his arms and shook his head. He seemed tense now that it was all over and Sho was too confused and tired to try and ask again. His head was spinning with everything that had happened but he couldn’t ignore the ache in his heart when the manor came into view.   
  
It wasn’t dark as the time of night would’ve suggested but strangely illuminated. The carriage didn’t draw up at the front but more to the side where the servant’s entrance to the kitchen was. Sho couldn’t see what was happening in the front rooms but he could hear music streaming into the night and people laughing.  
  
Ohno led him into the manor. Sho wanted to walk the usual way up the stairs, but Ohno once again stopped him and grabbed him by the wrist. “We’re not going this way.” He simply said and when Sho asked what this was all about, he shook his head again. “Things…are different today.”  
They stopped in front of a delicate tapestry. Ohno was feeling for something and then, with a click, the tapestry opened to a small passage that led up a different stair case. It was very narrow and barely enough for one person to go through. Ohno motioned for him to go first so Sho squeezed himself into the passage. Ohno followed and closed the door behind them. It was dark, with only a candle in Ohno’s hands to light their way, so Sho moved slowly and carefully. Although it was so constricted, the passage had been constructed with great care. There were handles on both sides of the walls and doors that were seen plainly from the inside every few minutes.   
  
“What is this?” Sho whispered although he didn’t expect an answer.  
  
“His lordship uses these ways when he needs to move quickly. They connect every room with the shortest route possible.” Ohno replied calmly. “It was his idea. No one knows about them.” He paused and it took Sho a moment to realize that they had reached their destination.   
  
“We’re here. Please wait in there and don’t move around.” Sho nodded, although he wasn’t sure if Ohno could see that. The valet opened a door and Sho stepped through. He turned around to see Ohno whose face was illuminated by the candles in the room. There seemed to be something left unsaid but before Sho could ask Ohno about it, the tapestry was closed before him and he was alone again.   
  
  
~*~  
  
  
Sho looked around. He hadn’t been in here before, which wasn’t so strange considering that the manor had many rooms which were not used and therefore of no interest to anyone. Yet this one seemed to be in use or intended for it, at least.   
There wasn’t much in it except for a huge bed, a few side tables, and a huge mirror on the wall opposite the bed. A carpet covered most of the floor and the lonely window was hung with velvety curtains. Candles were placed everywhere: on the tables, on the floor, and in front of the mirror.   
  
Sho would have liked to get rid of his clothes but there was nothing in here that he could’ve worn. So instead he wrapped himself in the blanket on the bed, waiting for any sign that told him what was going on.  
  
He didn’t have to wait long. After a while, the music that he had heard before grew even louder and he could hear individual voices in the hall and on the stairs. A woman’s voice was particularly impressive. She didn’t so much speak as shriek through the manor in a never-ending stream of laughter and giggles. At first, Sho thought she was just getting louder. But with every thump of his heart, he realized that the voice only sounded louder because she was coming nearer. Someone else was with her, apparently, since she’d stop after every giggle to agree loudly or call out how naughty her companion was.   
  
Sho pulled the blanket closer around himself. He slowly glided down from the bed and flattened himself against the wall. The steps came closer and halted in front of the door. There was another murmur and an outburst of “naughty you” before the door was slowly opened.   
The woman who stepped in was only remarkable in her lack of any discerning features. There was nothing wrong with her or the way she held herself as she confidently entered the room. She would’ve been completely forgettable had it not been for her high voice that cut through the air in another giggle. Sho would’ve barely paid her any attention had he seen her on any other day. He barely paid her any attention now but this wasn’t her fault. Sho’s eyes were glued on the man who had followed her into the room. He was the opposite of her as his looks and posture would always draw attention to him wherever he was. He didn’t need the shiny shoes or the small, decorative cane that he was carrying. Jun definitely didn’t need anything to draw Sho’s attention to him.   
  
The woman hadn’t seen Sho yet and was currently walking backwards towards the bed while motioning Jun to follow her. The bed dipped a little under her weight when she sat down.  
  
“Come here, you naughty, naughty man.” She purred and Jun stepped closer with a smile. The woman tried to lean back on the pillows but something was in the way. She wiggled and looked around. Her eyes fell on Sho and he looked at her in a daze as her smile froze before she jumped out of the bed.  
  
“Who is this?! What is this?!” she hissed.   
  
Jun didn’t move from his position by the bed posts except to lower his head. His hair fell across his face and Sho could not see his eyes.   
  
“This is my pet.” He replied eerily. “I did promise you some special entertainment, didn’t I?” he turned around to face the woman who had been inching towards the door.   
  
Jun wasn’t finished. “He’s mine but you can…”he paused as if looking for words “…sample him, if you want to. Or you could just watch.”   
  
The woman stared at Jun open-mouthed for a second before she turned around and ran out of the room. Sho could hear her screams echo through the hallway. He had been silent during the exchange and even now he found himself unable to move. Jun was still standing there. His hands were around the bedposts and his head turned towards the door where the woman had stood.  
Neither of them spoke. There were more shouts in the hallways and the music stopped. Sho heard steps and people talking loudly towards each other and on top of each other. He couldn’t hear what they were saying but their combined murmurs washed into the room like waves of a flood. He didn’t know how much time had passed but after a while the talking ebbed away and he heard many hooves outside the window. He heard carriages drive away. And then, there was silence again. Whoever had been in the manor had left.  
  
Jun was still silent but Sho could hear his labored breathing. Finally, he turned around and took two staggered steps towards him.   
  
“Don’t!” his own voice surprised Sho. He felt himself unable to move but he shrank deeper into himself, wrapping his arms around his knees. “Don’t come any closer.”   
  
Jun stopped.   
  
“You…you are just like them. You are nothing but a liar. You pretend to be better…” Sho gulped “but you’re not. You’re…despicable.” Jun winced but Sho didn’t stop. He closed his eyes. “I hate you. You and your kind. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.”  
  
He kept repeating it until his mouth was dry and his voice broke. Nobody answered him. Once again, Sho was alone.  
  
  
~*~  
  
  
Nobody came for him that night or the next morning. Sho stayed in the room in the corner next to the bed until his knees and feet were numb and he had to climb on the bed. It was cold now that all the candles had gone out since nobody had come to light the fireplace. Sho was thirsty but he couldn’t bring himself to look for water so he crawled under the covers and tried to sleep.   
  
He held out until the next morning when his throat was dry and hurting and his lips were cracked open. Sho decided to find his own room and hoped that Becky wouldn’t ask any questions he could not answer.  
  
When he walked through the hallway, the manor seemed eerily quiet. At first, Sho was glad that he didn’t run into servants and maids who would know about him and stare. But as he passed the great staircase, he wondered if something had happened.   
  
The manor wasn’t in disarray by any means but nevertheless it didn’t appear as flawless as it used to be. On a side table, Sho saw a glass of wine that someone had forgotten there. A flowerpot needed watering and the whole floor smelled faintly like cologne and tobacco as if the servants had forgotten to air the manor after Jun’s guests had left.  
  
In his room, Sho found some clothes and some water in a pot. It tasted a little stale as if it had been left there for a while but Sho did not mind. When he was done drinking, he cleaned himself up and changed out of the clothes from the Clan. He had worn them long enough.  
Afterwards, he sat on the bed and listened to the sounds of the manor or, rather, the lack of it.   
There were some distant movements on the floor below. But other than that, the entire manor was shrouded in silence. Sho decided to look for the kitchen and find something to eat before he would decide what to do. On his way there, he crossed the main hall where he saw more evidence of Jun’s visitors that had not been cleared away yet. On the table by the entrance was a bunch of cards next to an ashtray that was full with cigar stumps. Next to it laid some letters, buried under yesterday’s newspaper.  
  
Sho took a few steps further in the direction of the kitchen before he stopped. He went back and picked up the paper.   
  
“Lord Matsumoto’s filthy secrets! Our in-depth report by Maeda Minami”  
  
Sho furrowed his brows and started to read right where he stood. At first, he didn’t understand what he was reading. Was it supposed to be a joke, he wondered. So many things that were written in there were true. The manor and the inside were described in great detail and all of it was true, but the rest wasn’t. The article that covered the entire front page told the story of Lord Matsumoto’s secret relationship with a lover he liked to parade in front of guests. His lordship, the paper went on, had wild orgies that went on for hours and days. Sho had to read twice when his lordship’s lover was described. They talked about him as if he had been a part of Jun’s party, as if he had been an active part of the entertainment. The more he read about it, the more lies he encountered. Jun was described as a dashing but cruel aristocrat who tried to seduce innocent women and men alike. There were more and more details about him and what he had supposedly done to his innocent maids and similar stories that were not only untrue but impossible for Jun to do.   
  
When he was finally done reading what had seemed like an endless slur of lies, Sho ripped out the page and crumbled it into a ball.   
  
“One paper won’t do much difference.” Sho heard Ohno say behind him. The valet was standing in front of an opened door in the tapestry. A different one from the one Sho had used to get back to the manor but it looked almost identical.   
  
“What happened here?” Sho asked and threw the ball at Ohno’s feet. “Tell me!” he demanded.  
Ohno kneeled down and picked up the crumbled paper. He seemed thoughtful.   
  
“There wasn’t much else of interest in this paper.  I heard there was a fire in town but it must not have been important or else they would’ve mentioned it.” He bowed briefly before Sho and walked down the hallway, carrying the paper with him.   
  
Sho looked after him. He had almost forgotten about the fire and about what had happened before it. He turned towards what was left of the newspaper and flipped through the pages. There was nothing. No mention of Kitagawa or the Clan or even the fire. Surely, something as big as the Clan’s building and someone as feared as Kitagawa would’ve made a great article for this paper at any time.   
  
Sho looked through the paper once, twice, more until he was sure that there was nothing he had overlooked.   
  
When he was done, he threw the paper back on the table and stepped into the passage that Ohno had left open.   
  
  
~*~  
  
  
It was not easy to follow the passage without light, but Sho found that the handles not only offered stability but guidance in the darkness. With his fingers on top of the metal railing, he moved on. Whenever there was a door, Sho opened it to peak into the room behind it. He found an entrance to the library that was hidden behind some shelves that carry old books in ancient languages. Sho could see the study from there but it is not connected to any of the walls that lead him there. When he stepped out to see if Jun was in there, the door was locked. So, Sho followed the passage again until he finally found the right door.   
  
Unlike the rest of the manor, the state room looked exactly as it did the first time Sho stepped in there. Its cold and imposing air fit the suppressed atmosphere. Jun had not heard him enter and Sho made no move to announce his entrance.  
  
Someone had served breakfast in the usual place. Whoever had done it must not have known about the order of things on the table. The plates were a little too far from the récamier and Jun had to stretch his arms to reach for the tea cup. He looked pale again and when Sho’s eyes travelled downwards, he saw that his legs were covered with a blanket that could not conceal the bandages on his leg.   
  
He watched like this for a while, unsure on how to proceed. When Jun tried to reach for the bowl of sugar cubes, which had been placed too far away from him, Sho quickly stepped up. Without entering Jun’s line of sight, he reached for the bowl and pushed it closer to the edge of the table. Jun did not turn to look at him.  
  
“I told you to leave me alone.” He muttered.  
  
“No. You didn’t.” Sho replied.  
  
Jun froze and Sho quickly moved around the table to stand in front of Jun. But, Jun turned his head away.  
  
“Leave.” He whispered.   
  
Sho looked at him. He noticed the bags under Jun’s eyes and the trembling of his bottom lip. With a sigh, he shook his head.   
  
“I am so tired of this.” Sho couldn’t have said if he was talking to Jun or to himself. He sat on the récamier opposite Jun and looked at his hands. Jun was still silent.  
  
“I didn’t know what was going on and I still don’t. Why did you do this? Why did you not tell me? Why was Ohno there? What happened?” His voice cracked as Sho felt his emotions unravel.   
Jun laughed bitterly. He didn’t look at Sho when he answered.   
  
“ _You’re_ asking _me_? What happened? You left. You left without a word or any way to find you. If Ohno hadn’t seen you, if he hadn’t gone looking for you, would I have ever known what happened to you? You have no right to ask me anything.”  
  
“I didn’t have a choice…I…”  
  
 **“Everyone has a choice!”** Jun turned and his eyes were red with angry tears. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why? Did you think I couldn’t protect you?”  
  
They stared at each other in equal desperation.  
  
“Yes.” Sho finally said. “And no. You couldn’t have protected me. You have no idea how this world works. Jin…he was here. I couldn’t stop him. I…couldn’t protect _you_.” Sho shook his head as words failed to convey all he wanted to say.  
  
“You have no idea about any of this, Jun. You don’t know how it is. You don’t know what I’ve done.”  
  
“Then tell me!” Jun’s hands were balled into fists.  
  
“There’s nothing to tell!” Sho yelled back at him and buried his face in his hands.   
  
“Liar.” Jun’s voice was softer now but Sho didn’t look up to see his face.  
  
“Why do you lie to me? I have hundreds of people who lie to me every day because they think it serves their purposes. I thought you were different.” He paused and his voice shook with his next question. “Was everything a lie?”  
  
Sho shook his head and a shudder went through his body. A sob he had kept inside him for too long moved its way up from his chest, trailed over his shoulders, and through his throat until he finally allowed it to escape. Sho sobbed uncontrollably.   
  
He didn’t see how Jun did it. But when a hand was softly pressing against his cheek, Sho looked up to see Jun leaning over towards him. He was half-sprawled on the floor, half still seating on the récamier. Neither of them spoke. Both looked at each in their broken state and allowed themselves to weep.   
  
“I need to know, Sho. All of it.” Jun said softly but Sho heard the warning in his voice. “No more lies. No more pretending.” And so, Sho told him. He told Jun about his dreams, about Aiba and Nino, about Jin, about the Clan, about Kitagawa, and his death. He told him all of it. Only when it came to Ohno and his ‘visit’ did he pause.   
  
Jun had settled back into the récamier and Sho was sitting close to the edge. Sho looked at the tapestry door. Jun nodded thoughtfully. “He didn’t tell me what happened. He just said that you weren’t there on your own free will and that we should hurry to get you out of there.”   
  
“Did you think I wanted to be there?”  
  
Jun grimaced at the memory. “Sho, you left without a word. Ohno saw you leave. If he hadn’t, I never even would’ve known where you were. I didn’t know what to think. Or what to feel.”   
  
“I saw him this morning. But I didn’t thank him yet. I was so confused…you and everything that happened…I still don’t understand it.”  
  
Jun looked at the window while he answered. “They didn’t want to give you up, no matter what I offered. So, I had to use other means. There are men who can be bought for any price. One of them, Akimoto, he agreed to cause a diversion and Ohno offered to get you out of there. Since I couldn’t…” Sho wanted to say something but Jun shook his head. “No, it’s true. I couldn’t help you there but I could cause a diversion myself.” He looked up. “Those people…I would never invite them. They are gossips and reporters who care for nothing for the truth.” Sho thought of the woman and the way she had shrieked at the sight of him.   
  
“I didn’t know what they would write or how big it would get. But it worked. Nobody cares about what happened that night. They all chose to believe in lies.” The bitterness in Jun’s last words didn’t escape Sho.  
  
“What happened here, in the manor, I mean? Where are all the servants?”  
  
“They left. Some had the courtesy to inform me of their departure while the others just left without a warning. Some are staying until I find someone to take their position.” Jun sighed and pressed his lips together.   
  
“Are they all leaving for one article? Don’t they know you better than…” Sho stopped when he realized that he had condemned Jun as well, not too long ago. Jun gently shook his head.  
  
“It’s not just one article. It’s everywhere and there are more rumors that exaggerate what was written. Everyone who works here will be tainted by it. I can’t fault them.” Jun seemed resigned, rather than angry. After a moment’s deliberation, he added, “There isn’t much that I can offer right now. To anyone.”  
  
This time, it was Sho’s turn to shake his head. “It would be enough for me.” He moved a little closer to Jun, but the other didn’t move at all. Sho swallowed dryly before he leaned closer and whispered what he felt he should have said a long time ago. “I am sorry.” And then: “I love you.”  
  
At first, Jun seemed unmoved but then he gently placed his hands around Sho’s waist and drew him closer. “Did they hurt you?” He whispered.   
  
“Yes. But it’s nothing that time won’t heal.” Sho replied. His eyes sought Jun’s.  
  
“Are we…alright?”  
  
Jun looked down as if he had to consider it. Then, he gently leaned forward again until his head touched Sho’s. He closed his eyes and nodded. “We’re not completely fine yet.” He smiled shyly. “But it’s nothing that time won’t heal.”  
  
  
  



	7. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue is completely optional, story ended in chapter five basically.

_The fire cracked and Ryo blinked. The old man’s story had drawn him in so much that he wasn’t sure where he was for a moment. “That,” he said, “was amazing. Like a fairy-tale.” Ryo smiled.  
  
“And they lived happily ever after.”  
  
The old man looked at his hands. He smiled but then, he shook his head. “They lived happily. But not ever after.” He stood up and stretched his legs before he turned around towards the fireplace. The light from the fire illuminated his face. When he poked at the flames, they lit up. For a moment, he almost looked young again.  
  
“They had about seven years. From what I know, they were happier than they had ever been.  
They were certainly happier than many whose lives are stretched far beyond theirs.”  
_  
  
~*~  
  
  
It was winter again and snow had covered the gardens and walls of the Matsumoto manor. As had become their custom, Sho and Jun spent most of their mornings huddled up in bed, reading to each other, and ignoring the world outside their room. They had started to prolong their winter mornings in bed after a few years together. It was hard for Jun to get up during the colder months of the year. Since the household was much smaller than it used to be, there was not much sense in getting up early to keep a decorum nobody cared about. The servants certainly didn’t mind the extra hours of rest and quiet. Only the people responsible for lighting the fires still got up early, but everyone else joined Jun and Sho in making the winter the most relaxing season of the year.  
  
“What shall we be reading today?” Sho asked sleepily in the general direction of Jun’s ears which were half-hidden behind a mountain of pillows. He poked Jun. When there was still no reaction, he took his tea cup and flicked a couple drops of cold tea towards Jun’s neck and ears.  
  
“Hey!” That had done it. Jun drowsily turned towards Sho and buried his warm face on his nape. “Whatever you wish.” He murmured. “We didn’t finish the book you read yesterday.”  
  
“It’s not a good book to read to someone. Or have you suddenly discovered an interest in Southern architecture? Besides,” Sho said and turned a little so he could look at Jun properly, “I’ve been reading the last days. It’s your turn.”  
  
Jun didn’t even open his eyes. “It’s my house and my rules.” He pouted weakly. “Please read?”  
  
When Sho picked up the book about Island architecture, he felt Jun chuckle lightly against his shoulder. “You’re reading tomorrow. I won’t fall for it again.” Sho said but his tone was mellow.  
  
“So…where were we? Here: The houses of the Southern Islands are mostly white with colored roofs. They are generally built of wood and iron and have glazed porches, gay with fuchsias and pelargoniums…”  
  
  
~*~  
  
  
Jun did read the other day, but most of the time it was indeed Sho who chose and read the books in the morning. There were bookshelves in the bedroom now which gave testimony of their shared mornings. Lately, their reading habits had changed a little. Before, they had reached for poetry and small novels, leaving the heavier and theoretical books for their own private reading. Now, however, Jun often encouraged Sho to bring those books and read to him about ships and travels, architecture, and history. The shelves that had harbored small volumes of delicate poetry were now bending under the weight of heavy tomes on serious subjects.  
  
Sho had wondered about this change, especially since Jun had lately shown some signs of melancholy that would usually call for anything but theoretic studies. Yet, Jun seemed to enjoy their new reading materials. They would often stay in bed even longer than usual to discuss a topic or fantasize about what Sho had read.  
  
“Where would you go if you had a ship and nothing to hold you back?” Jun would ask when they had read about stellar maps and navigation across the seven seas. Sho would give it some thought and then they would talk about the islands and countries they knew of until Sho formed a decision. Jun always insisted that Sho found an answer to those questions of what would or could be. After a few weeks, Sho couldn’t deny that all those talks had awakened a feeling of curiosity and longing to see with his own eyes what they were just reading about.  
He didn’t mention this to Jun. So he was very surprised when one morning, Jun asked him if he ever thought of making a voyage towards the Southern Islands.  
  
“Yes.” He answered. “But I don’t want to leave you.”  
  
“You will never really leave me.” Jun said. His head rested on Sho’s chest and his face was turned towards the foot of the bed. “We’re connected.”  
  
“We are.” Sho smiled but he didn’t feel assured. “But we’ve never been apart. It’s…”  
  
“We’re two separate people. It’s normal to be apart sometimes. We need to be able to live like that.” Jun replied and turned his face to leave small kisses on Sho’s skin.  
  
They didn’t continue the conversation that night.  
  
  
~*~  
  
  
“I think you should go.” Jun said during breakfast. It took Sho a while to realize what Jun meant. “Go where…to the Islands? But I don’t really need to go.”  
  
“That may be. But I still think you should consider it.”  
  
  
~*~  
  
  
The topic was dropped again but that night Sho was the one who brought it up. He kneeled on the bed with his arms framing Jun’s face. “Do you want me to leave?” Sho asked anxiously. He had expected Jun to laugh and quench his nervousness. Instead, Jun placed a hand on Sho’s cheeks and shook his head silently before answering. “Sho, I will never want you to leave. Not ever.” There was something in the way Jun’s eyes shimmered that made it seem as though there was more he didn’t tell him.  
  
“But?” Sho asked.  
  
Jun turned his face away from Sho, towards the windows. “I want to buy a house there.”  
  
It wasn’t the answer he had expected and Sho felt himself relax. “Do you…do you consider leaving this place?”  
  
Jun nodded. “I think I have been living here for the longest time.”  
  
  
Sho sat up and the blanket that had covered them both fell down his back. Jun shivered at the sudden cold but for once, Sho didn’t notice. “Do you want me to go there…to look for a house? For us?” He clasped Jun’s hands and smiled. “Maybe the climate will be good for you. You’ve been so pale lately. It will be much warmer. And the food…”  
  
Jun blinked a couple of times before he turned back to Sho. He smiled. “It will be just perfect.” He clasped Sho’s hands in return.  
  
  
~*~  
  
  
The weeks that followed the revelation that Sho would make the journey for both of them, to look for a house, were busy. Over the years, Sho had read a lot about those islands and the voyages that lead there but now he wanted to read more, to learn more. What had been just curiosity was now an earnest interest to learn everything there was to know. After all, as he told Jun, he wanted to buy the best house on the best place, built with the best materials. There were stacks of books next to their bed and reading anything not related to the voyage was out of the question. Sometimes, he was so entrenched in a book that Jun had to remind him to read aloud and not just for himself. Sometimes he caught himself doing it without being stopped by Jun, who would just lie silently next to him, as if lost in thoughts.  
  
When they weren’t lying in bed, their days were busy now. Jun was always occupied with papers and letters. It hadn’t been like this for a long time and Sho hoped it meant that society had forgiven Jun. It wasn’t likely and in any case, Jun wouldn’t have to deal with this much longer. Once the house on the Islands was a reality, he’d be free from all of this. Sho himself had lots to do. He often drove to the town. At first, he went to buy passage on a ship that would take the securest route over the seas to reach his destination. Then, he found himself doing all sorts of things for Jun. Most of the trips were related to things concerning the manor and surrounding property. Usually these were undertaken by Ohno but lately the silent valet had seemed to avoid Sho’s company. Sho wasn’t sure what he was doing but he was glad to be doing something for Jun. He still felt a pang of anxiousness whenever he thought of leaving him.  
Jun himself seemed resigned to it, at least during the day. As calm and collected as he seemed then, as clingy and insecure did he appear at night. Their love life that had been marked by a constant and calm affection had taken on a frenzied, hurried air. Every time Jun kissed him now felt like it could be the last time. Had Sho been less anxious he might have questioned why everything seemed so final. But as he wasn’t, he just took it all in, clinging to Jun in the same way that Jun was clinging to him.  
  
  
~*~  
  
  
Time passed more quickly than either of them wanted. The day of Sho’s departure was drawing closer and closer. Their conversations were far from lively now. Jun didn’t want to talk about anything related to Sho’s departure. Yet whenever Sho tried to talk about his eventual return or their future on the Islands, Jun would end every conversation. Sometimes, he’d just turn around on the bed and face away from Sho proclaiming to be tired. Other times, he would leave Sho standing in the library to attend to ‘urgent matters’. After a while, Sho didn’t try anymore. He talked about the voyage, and the house he was looking for, and the places on the Islands he most wanted to see.  
  
At last, the evening before his departure had come. Sho hadn’t seen Jun at all during the entire day. In the morning, he had woken up to an empty bed. There had been no sign of him anywhere in the manor, but Sho had finally found him in the official study. From where he had entered, he couldn’t see Jun behind the back of his chair but he had seen Ohno standing in front of the desk with a worried face. Before he could say anything, Ohno had stepped closer to him and motioned him outside, saying that Jun needed to take care of some things. Since then, Sho had been left to wander the manor. He had nothing to do since everything had been packed and brought to the harbor already. So, Sho wandered across the hallways and rooms he had lived in these past years. He took a stroll through the garden like so many times before. He looked back at the manor and smiled. When he had first looked at this manor, it had seemed big and frightening. Now, it was something entirely different. It was home.  
  
When he returned, Jun stood on top of the stairs waiting for him. He was very pale and the hand that held his cane was white from the force of his grip. Sho rushed up the stairs. When he came face to face with Jun, he could see remnants of tears on Jun’s eyelashes. Before he could say something, Jun took his fingers in one hand and pulled towards their bedroom.  
  
  
~*~  
  
“Don’t you want to eat something?” Sho asked when Jun pulled him towards the bed without saying anything. “You’re so pale.” Jun only shook his head and began to unbutton Sho’s shirt.  
  
Sho stepped back. “Wait. This…what is this?” Jun looked at his hands and didn’t answer. “Your house and your rules?” Sho tried to break the tension.  
  
“You like maps…”Jun began in a low voice that was barely audible. “You like maps of seas and cities and countries and everything. Now, I’d like to make a map for myself.” He looked up and Sho saw that he was crying. “I want to make a map in my mind. A map of everything you are. Every curve and line of you. So that, even when my eyes don’t see you and my ears don’t hear you, at least my fingers will still know you.”  
  
As he looked upon his lover, Sho felt his heart burn. “I don’t have to go.” He whispered.  
  
“Yes, you do.” There was finality in Jun’s voice and Sho didn’t dare to ask for the reason. Instead, he stepped forward towards Jun again. “I will come back.”  
  
“I will come back and then, I will take you with me.”  
  
“Promise.” Jun’s voice was barely a whisper but even if he had said nothing, Sho would’ve known anyway.  
  
“I promise.”  
  
~*~  
  
The morning came and while they hadn’t slept at all, they also hadn’t spoken another word.  
  
Sho kissed Jun’s fingertips that had been stroking his cheeks. They were wet and he wondered whose tears had made them so.  
  
  
They dressed in silence and in silence, they drove to the harbor. If it hadn’t been for the way Jun was holding onto his hand – or Sho was holding onto Jun’s – it might have seemed like a cold goodbye. When they reached the harbor, Ohno who had come with them left the carriage first. He was supposed to make sure that everything was alright with the ship and the captain. Sho followed Ohno’s steps with his eyes. He was trying to think of something to say to Jun now that their separation was imminent. He couldn’t think of anything. Before long, he could see Ohno making the way back to the carriage.  
  
“I…”  
  
“Go.” Jun looked away from him but even so, the command had no power. He was still holding onto Sho and Jun’s hand shook from the strength he used to hold Sho’s.  
  
Sho tried again. “I…I don’t have to…”  
  
 **“GO!”** This time, Jun let go of his hand and turned his face further away from Sho. But not fast enough to hide his tears.  
  
“It’s time.” It was Ohno, who had opened the door to the carriage. While he had spoken to Sho, he looked at Jun. There was no reaction. Sho closed his eyes. “I will keep my promise. Next time, you will come with me.” And with that, he jumped out of the carriage.  
  
Ohno closed the door and motioned Sho towards another man who looked upon him quizzically but not unfriendly. “This is Yokoyama-san. He is going to assist you with paperwork and the necessary documents.” Yokoyama-san bowed quickly and Sho noticed the huge folder he held onto his chest.  
  
“You will need to hurry. The wind is blowing from the right direction and the captain wants to depart as soon as possible.” Ohno said to both of them.  
  
After another look at the carriage but without seeing Jun in there, Sho bowed towards Ohno and then he and Yokoyama walked off towards the ship.  
  
  
~*~  
  
  
Sho had never been on a ship but he liked it surprisingly well. Yokoyama didn't like the ride of the waves very much and unlike Sho, he spent most of his days in the ship’s belly. Sho often stood on deck, watching the sea and comparing it to everything he had read about it. Sometimes, the first mate would join him and point in various directions telling him what lay behind the horizon. They’d always turn towards their home last. The first mate would salute but Sho would only stand there, wondering at how far away Jun was and yet how close he felt. Sometimes, the ship went into harbor on some sea ports to stock up on fresh water and supplies.  
Sho always used the time to send a message to Jun and see if there were any left for him. Carrier pigeons brought messages every couple of days and he always made sure to inform Jun where he was and where they would take harbor next. But, there was nothing. When he mentioned it to Yokoyama, he just received a shrug and the conversation quickly turned to something else. Sho tried not to worry but as days on board turned into weeks, he turned towards the direction of his home more often.  
  
  
~*~  
  
  
At last, they reached the Southern Islands. Sho had wanted to explore the smaller Islands but when they reached port, Yokoyama-san asked him whether he could show him something.  
Together, they climbed a small hill that overlooked a sleepy fishing village. When he saw what lay before him, Sho stopped in his tracks. A house was built on the hill. It was white, with a colored roof, and on its terrace grew fuchsias and pelargoniums. He took a step closer. Everything about this house was new. He carefully walked around a corner to take a look at the garden. This too looked like something he had wanted. As Sho looked around, he saw more and more things that he had read and talked about with Jun. It was all there, as if it had been waiting for him.  
  
When he returned to the front of the house, he saw Yokoyama sitting on a rock with a big folder on his knees. He looked nervous.  
  
“What is this?” Sho asked.  
  
“Please, read this.” Yokoyama handed him a big envelope. When he opened it, Sho saw a letter. A letter and something else he knew. He saw Jun’s diary.  
  
“What is this?” He asked again but he didn’t look at Yokoyama and the latter didn’t answer him.  
  
Sho took a few steps away and tore open the letter.  
  
“Sho,  
  
  
Forgive me. I have lied to you. How many letters like this have I started? How often have I tried to call it otherwise... How often have I given up? I will not to do this again. This time, I shall finish this letter. Tomorrow, you will be gone and I cannot bear to send you away without trying to explain. Sho…I am dying.  
  
I have lived longer with you than any of my doctors thought possible. And I loved it more than anything. But I can’t go on anymore. The pain is becoming unbearable and my body is forsaking me. Sho, if I could but live happily another day with you, I would give up everything I have. But as it is, I can’t. Don’t be angry that I sent you away. Please. I couldn’t face death with you near me. It would be too much to leave both life and you. I want to think of you but not cling onto you. These steps, I must take alone. If there were any words that could express what you mean to me, I would write them down. But there are none. But do we need them, really?  
  
  
  
I love you. Forgive me.”  
  
  
Sho didn’t know when he had fallen on the ground or how long he had lain there. Yokoyama was kneeling in front of him with a worried look. Sho grasped the letter in his hand.  
  
“I need to go back. The next ship, my ship, I don’t care. I need to go back.”  
  
Yokoyama looked worried. “Are you sure…it will take weeks and it’s been weeks since we left.”  
  
Sho just looked at him. Yokoyama nodded. “I will see what I can do.”  
  
  
~*~  
  
  
The next morning, Sho was aboard a small freighter that would take him towards another port. He would have to change ships and take whatever passage he would be given, but at least he was on his way. Yokoyama had decided to stay but he had given Sho the rest of the papers and wished him good luck. During the long way back, Sho read all of them. He learned that Jun had acquired the property in his name a couple of months ago, back when they first had started to talk about islands but before he had even thought of stepping aboard a ship. There were accounts opened in Sho’s name as well. Jun had transferred money and property to the Southern Islands for Sho to use. He was a rich man now. Yet, he had never felt more desolate in his entire life.  
  
Weeks later, he returned to shore. When he walked down the gangway, Sho’s eyes looked over the crowd of people that were bustling through the harbor. He couldn’t have said what he was looking for but when he caught sight of a small figure in black clothes he knew he had found it.  
  
Ohno didn’t say a word when Sho stepped towards him. There was no carriage with the sign of Matsumoto on it behind him. Ohno was alone. He looked at Sho.  
  
“He died ten days ago.”  
  
  
  
During the weeks of his return voyage, Sho had had ample time to think about how he would react if the worst were to happen. Yet, he still surprised himself when his fists came flying towards Ohno’s face. He was even more surprised when Ohno hit back. Fists were meeting chins and lips broke open. They were rolling in the mud, cursing, and hitting each other wherever they could until they suddenly stopped. Ohno’s shirt was crumbled under Sho’s fists and Sho’s coat had been torn during their fight. They both stared at each other. Sho’s arms shook but he couldn’t let go of Ohno and he couldn’t look away. In Ohno’s eyes, he saw the same pain he felt.  
  
“Why did he die?” Sho asked and shook Ohno. There was no reply. Finally, Sho let go and buried his face in his hands. “Why did he send me away?”  
  
“Because the pain was too much.” Ohno murmured automatically. “That’s what he said. He didn’t want you to come back.”  
  
Sho looked up in confusion.  
  
“Yokoyama sent a letter. He was still alive when it got here.” Ohno had moved a little and was now hugging his knees. He didn’t look like the man who had been Lord Matsumoto’s right hand anymore. He just looked tired.  
  
Sho sat next to him. For a while, neither of them said anything. And then, Ohno started to speak. He told Sho about the last days of Jun's life. At first, Sho thought it was out of consideration for him but after a while, he realized that Ohno needed to talk to someone about it. Ohno needed to talk to someone who cared.  
  
Jun had followed Sho’s voyage on a map. They had traced the route according to the letters from Sho and Yokoyama, who had reported on their voyage in secret. When Sho arrived at the Islands, Jun had been very distressed. The pain had been hardly bearable at this point and he had taken a lot of Laudanum to sleep. A couple of days later, he fell into a slumber of which he didn’t wake. He stayed like this for weeks and then, he woke up again. Ohno had told him about the letter and Sho’s arrival but Jun had just shaken his head. The next morning, he had woken early and smiled at Ohno.  
  
“…and then he took my hand and said ‘thank you’…” Ohno’s voice broke and he sniffed.  
  
“He loved you.” Sho heard himself say. Ohno looked at him.  
  
“It’s true. Not like he loved me,” Sho needed to make clear, “but he loved you. You were a part of his life and even if he didn’t say it, he never could’ve gone on without you.” Some part of Sho had always known that but it still hurt to say it. Yet, it felt good to have someone who had loved Jun and it was only fair to let Ohno know that, in a way, he had been loved too.  
  
“And he wanted you there. Not me. You. He needed you.”  
  
Ohno sniffed again. Then, he turned to Sho and bowed. “I am sorry. For the last time, in the harbor…” he paused, “He asked me to break you apart, if he couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to interrupt.”  
  
Sho just nodded. This, at least, came as no surprise. Ohno had always been the one who helped Jun look stronger than he was.  
  
“I want to say goodbye.”  
  
  
~*~  
  
  
It should have been a normal request but as it turned out, it was anything but normal.  
Walking up the old road, the Matsumoto manor looked like it always had. But when Sho came closer to the gate, he realized that many things had changed. The old wooden gate had been exchanged for one of wrought iron. The garden was being turned over and flower beds were being opened where Jun had preferred simple fields of grass. The house itself wasn’t changed but the front door was wide open. People were walking in and out, carrying packages and boxes. Sho didn’t recognize anyone.  
  
Inside, carpets were being ripped off the stairs and furniture was moved or demolished. Paintings were taken down and new ones were hung on the walls. The manor had never been so crowded, not even in the days before the scandal. Sho slowly walked up the stairs. The people around him didn’t seem to notice him in their busy haste. His first steps took him to what had been their bedroom. The doors were open and Sho saw that someone had stripped the room of everything; even, the walls had been scraped off. To his own astonishment, Sho didn’t care much. Seeing the room so bare was easier than seeing it as it had last been. As it was, it didn’t carry any emotion and hurt to Sho’s heart.  
  
He turned towards the library and at first, this at least seemed unchanged. The books were still in their shelves and the smell of old paper engulfed everything. It was only a few steps towards the private study. Someone had been here. The shelves were half-empty. Books were placed on the floor and the painting that had hung over the fireplace was gone. Jun’s desk looked chaotic but when Sho walked around it, he smiled.  
  
All the drawers had been opened and emptied, all except one. The top drawer had always been ‘a bit stubborn’ as Jun had put it. If you didn’t know the trick, it simply refused to open. Luckily, Sho knew where to knock and where to pull. With a little creak, the drawer opened.  
  
Here, it was the onslaught of emotions that Sho had hoped to escape. He took a deep breath and for the last time he smelled the peculiar mixture of old sandalwood and dried lavender that Jun had used to keep the moths away from his books. Then he looked at the drawer. There were a bunch of papers in Jun’s handwriting. There were some calligraphy exercises, some private notes, and among it all, a drawing. Sho swallowed and pulled it up. It was crudely done, with no artistic element to it, only practical strokes and economic lines. It was a drawing of the white house on the hill. Jun had written notes on it, about the color of the furniture and the way the roof was supposed to look. Sho smiled sadly when he read Jun’s note that the study needed more bookshelves. He traced the lines with his fingertip.  
  
He gently folded the drawing until it fit in his pocket. After one last look at the room, Sho left. There was just one place left to go.  
  
~*~  
  
The small chapel with the family crypt had not been used much during Sho’s time at the manor. Jun had not been very religious. He had taken care to show respect towards his ancestors and the altar had been well kept but Jun himself had rarely gone there. Now, Sho entered it alone for the first time. Jun should have been easy to find. His urn should have been decorated with fresh flowers and offerings. But, there was nothing. It took Sho a while before he finally found a sign with Jun’s name on it. His urn had been cramped between two others, his parents, and the sign with his name gave no dates.  
  
“What are you doing?”  
  
Sho looked up towards the man who had addressed him. He looked good, but overall his appearance looked too polished and explicitly expensive to really impress.  
  
“I was just looking at something.” Sho said and after a moment of hesitation, he bowed. He was no longer used to lowering his head, especially not in this house.  
  
“Who are you?” The man had not returned his bow. “What are you doing here?”  
  
Sho ignored the first question. “I have come to say goodbye to Jun.”  
  
“You! I know who you are.” The man took a step back, as if he didn’t want to stand near Sho.  
  
“You are not welcome here. Leave!”  
  
Sho didn’t move. Outside, behind the man he could see the people hurrying in and out of the manor.  
  
“Are you his heir…the new Lord Matsumoto?” Sho asked. The man sneered at him.  
  
“The Lord is a child. I am his caretaker. If you don’t leave…” The man shook his fist.  
“Why is there no proper place for Jun?” Sho didn’t even blink at the man and his attempts to intimidate him.  
  
“Why are you hiding his urn? Why is his room empty? Why are all the paintings gone?”  
  
The caretaker spat on the ground. “What paintings? There were no paintings. There is no hidden urn. There is only one Lord Matsumoto and he has been the Lord since his birth. His cousin died a long time ago and this manor has been vacant for years.” He grinned sarcastically. “I really don’t know what you’re talking about.”  
  
Sho gasped. “Are you insane?”  
  
Suddenly, the man stepped closer and his foul breath hit Sho’s nose. “No. You’re insane. You and your filthy life nearly ruined the name of Matsumoto. Real men don’t spread their legs like your kind. For me, there was no Lord Jun. Very soon, nobody will remember him as anything but a weird rumor anyway.” He spat again, at Sho this time. Sho blinked. Despite the splendor of his clothes, the caretaker reminded him of someone he had known years ago. Jin had spoken like that. Sho grimaced when he thought of it. Some things never changed.  
  
“Jun lived and you can’t make people forget about a person.”  
  
“Oh, I can’t? Watch me.” With this, the caretaker whistled. Two men appeared and that too reminded Sho of Jin and the Clan. They took him outside towards the gate.  
  
“Let me just take a little walk around the property and then I’ll write something nice about the new Lord…”a woman’s voice could be heard near the gate. Sho turned his head to see her. It couldn’t be but he would’ve recognized this woman anywhere. She was the one who had been with Jun that night years ago when he came back. The woman who wrote the article about them.  
  
Sho looked at the caretaker in front of him who had stood frozen to the ground when he realized who was speaking. The woman hadn’t seen them yet but if Sho made a noise, she’d surely turn and see them.  
  
“If you so much as make a noise…”the caretaker whispered.  
  
“I have a price. My kind does nothing for free.” Sho said with a bitter grin.  
  
  
~*~  
  
  
He had not expected to see Ohno when he returned to the harbor but the small man was still sitting where Sho had left him. He looked at the waves and the seagulls in the harbor. Less than two hours had passed since Sho had left him there and yet everything was different.  
It was a credit to Ohno’s character that he didn’t even raise an eyebrow when he saw Sho with the urn in his arms. “So you kept your promise.” He just said. Sho nodded. “Yes. I did.”  
  
“You met Tanaka?”  
  
“Who?”  
  
“The caretaker. He’s the one who’s responsible for all the changes.” Ohno explained.  
  
Sho looked at the urn. “I hope you won’t get in trouble for this, but I won’t apologize for taking him with me.”  
  
Ohno shook his head. “I am not with the manor anymore. As soon as Tanaka and his lordship walked in, I walked out.” He looked back at the seagulls. He shrugged. “I’ll find something else. It won’t be the same anyway.”  
  
Sho followed his gaze towards the open sea. “You know,” he said, “I have a house…”  
  
“Are you offering me a job? You don’t need a valet.” Ohno looked at him but Sho still watched the ocean’s movements.  
  
“No.” He agreed. “But, I could use a friend.”  
  
  
~*~  
  
 _  
The old man went silent. Ryo furrowed his brows. He had stopped disbelieving the old man a long time ago. There were just too many details in the story and too much sadness in the old customer’s eyes to think it was a lie. And yet…Lord Matsumoto was a widely known character of the town. Tanaka was a name he remembered from his father who had done business with the man and lost a lot of money in the process. Could it be that they were all connected?  
  
Before Ryo could ask some more questions, the door was ripped open.  
  
“Masta. The missus is done, they say. You can go up now if you aren’t too bloody bothered, she says. Never mind her, she says, she just gave birth. Please to finish your tea, she says.” It was the curly-haired page again who delivered his messages in rapid fire speech.  
  
“If I were you masta, I’d go up there quickly. The missus ain’t as patient as she says.”  
  
That warning wasn’t necessary. As soon as the door had opened, Ryo had jumped from his seat. When he heard the message, he was already half-way through the door. The story and his customer were completely forgotten.  
  
The old man smiled and stood up as well. He turned towards the fire again and poked at the barely glowing embers. During the hours of their talk, the fire had slowly died down.  
  
“Have you been listening the entire time, boy?” he asked towards the door.  
  
“Not the entire time. Just half.” The page showed no signs of embarrassment.  
  
“Is that so?” The old man smiled. “And what did you think?”  
  
“It was sad when Jun died. But it’s good that he had Sho, right?” The boy said. “At least nobody got pregnant. It’s a bloody business. I don’t know why anyone should.” He thought for a while.  
  
“Did they live on the island?”  
  
“Yes. They still live there actually. Sho used to come back every once in a while to buy things and look for others. But Ohno never returned.” The old man paused, thinking of something that might interest the boy. “He took up fishing.”  
  
The page nodded as if he had expected that. “What happened to the others?”  
  
“What others?”  
  
“Aiba and Nino…they were Sho’s friends, right? Did they die in the fire?”  
The old man turned away from the fire and looked at the page with great interest. After a moment, he smiled again.  
  
“No. They didn’t die. They escaped and for a while, they tried to be as happy as Jun and Sho were. But they didn’t know how.”  
  
The page was too young to be told about the cruelties of the world. Aiba and Nino had escaped the fire and left the town. They settled in a different village and for a while, they lived peacefully. Aiba had found employment at a mill. But then, a relative of the miller had come to visit and recognized Aiba. He had been his customer once and tried to be it again. To save them, Aiba agreed to do it one last time. When Nino found out, he nearly killed the man. After that, they had to leave again and their paths separated. There was too much pain on both sides to live happily with each other. Aiba had returned to the town and instead of prostituting himself, he had turned to begging in the streets. One day, while he was sitting close to the temple, a woman who was carrying her new born son slipped on the wet cobble stones. She fell and her son nearly fell to. But, Aiba had jumped in and rescued the child. The woman was very thankful and took Aiba with her. Instead of begging in the streets he lived with them, watching the child and doing a little housework in exchange for food and a roof over his head.  
  
This woman’s husband was a wood merchant. One day, he had a customer who wanted to buy some woods to furnish his library on the Southern Islands. That customer was Sho. When he saw Aiba, they hugged and cried. There was no discussion. It was clear that Aiba would come home with him. There was only one condition and Sho fulfilled it gladly. All over town they left messages for Nino, to come to them, to Aiba. And a year later, Nino came home too.  
  
He was the one who travelled back and forth in Sho’s place now. Even though his face was old and wrinkled, he was the youngest amongst them and he liked nothing more than coming back with a new story to tell them. Aiba would be very happy to learn that 'little' Ryo had a child of his own now.  
  
The old man turned towards the door. The page quickly brought him his hat and coat.  
  
“Wait,” he said suddenly. “What about your order? The masta forget about it, didn’t he?”  
  
The old man just smiled. “It’s the same as always. Look under ‘Ninomiya’- if you can spell that.” He winked.  
  
  
And then he was gone.  
  
_

**Author's Note:**

> Beta-ed by r-1-ss-a on livejournal. And some additional errors added in by me after she did that.


End file.
